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Just humor me dammit

Ok, new idea, as I add new jokes et al, I will link bookmarks to them so you can skip the old stuff
 4/24/02    5/17/02    7/13/02

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl--a blonde--standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "That must be painful....
I had tennis elbow once........"


First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of
those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."





Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be
more productive.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right
down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if
seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the
Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of
her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put
the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two
men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said,
"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or
was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked,
"How's that?"
"Well, said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted
and flew out the window!"


Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"
(The Women's section follows)

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have

had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the


4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb

and have it hauled away.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the

back of your pickup truck.



A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train

stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a

fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,

"Quit while you're ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in

the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold

tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge

of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell

him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?


Subject: Virus Alert





It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but

it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of

your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the

tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to

scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness

settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your

mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are

expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and

bellybuttonfuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate

behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with

Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend

behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to

your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things

in a way that is fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinnitus.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your

active verbs to passive tense and incorporating

undetectable misspellings which grossly change the

interpretation of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95

environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave

your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full


It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your

mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim

milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,

causing it to smell like the B.O. of that gross person

nobody liked in high school.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and

terrifying to behold.

These are just a few signs of infection.




A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and

asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man,

a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The

priest says "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically

appearing on the doorstep the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and

when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a

spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next

day magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and

the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't

take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically

appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.



It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men

suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life

span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from

all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies

behavior. We're just misunderstood.



Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all

the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?

Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not

getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic

memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later

reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our

memory by staring as much as we can.



We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.

It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added




We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner

frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.



You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open

it you get into trouble with your partner.



Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's

the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much

of the world nowadays.



Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that

men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel

when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some

extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we

have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try

to figure out how I feel.



Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige

you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand

lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go

roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on

our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.



Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by

evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without

getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in

one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more

successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended

periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The

fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end

result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.



Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To

say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most

men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's

own character faults.



Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure

fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still

works quite well.



We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of

your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you

will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy

for other things.



Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we

know darn well you'll pick it up.



This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to

let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's

actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended

periods of time gives us stomach cramps.



It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want

to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and

hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?


The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted

them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She

then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use

the grown-up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train.

That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the


He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book

he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,

"Winnie the Shit."


A man returned home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the

curb with her suitcase beside her.

"What are you doing?", he asked.

"I'm leaving you," she replied.

"Why?!", the man inquired.

"I just realized that I can make $400 a night doing what I do with

you for free," she answered.

The man went into the house and returned a few minutes later with a

suitcase and sat down on the curb beside her.

"Now, what are you doing?", she asked.

"I'm going with you," he replied. "I want to see how you're going

to live on $800 a year."


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,

doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the

girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker

and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the


"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi

driver, and the fare back to town is $25."


Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding

night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband


He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring,

I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you

anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

"You wanna beef with bloccolli???"


Face lift

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000

and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops

at a newsstand and buys a

paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I

hope you don't mind me asking,

but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the

reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks

the order taker the same question, to which the reply is,

"Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the

same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.

If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes,

I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around,

the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his

pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.

You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!

How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one

look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He

immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began

to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, do you know what I'm doing?

Yes, she replied, you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological

abnormalities. That is right, said the doctor. He then began to fondle her

breasts. Do you know what I'm doing now? he asked. Yes, the woman said,

you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. Correct, replied the shady

doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual

intercourse with her. He asked, Do you know what I'm doing now? Yes, she

said. You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.


A mother was working in the kitchen

listening to her son playing with his new

electric train in the living room. She heard

the train stop and her son said,

"All of you sons of bitches who want to get

off, get the hell off now, cause this is the

last stop! And all you sons of

bitches who are returning and want

to get on, get your asses on the train now,

cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and

her son, "We don't use that kind

of language in this house. Now go to your

room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may go back and play

with your train, but only if you

use nice language." Two hours later, the boy

came out of the bedroom and

resumed playing with his train. Soon the

train stopped and the mother heard her

son say "All passengers who are

disembarking the train, please

remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today

and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We

hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue,

For those of you just boarding, we

ask you to stow all of your hand luggage

under your seat. Remember, there is no

smoking on the train. We hope you will have

a pleasant and relaxing journeywith us today."

Then, the child added, "Andfor those of you who are

pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in

the kitchen."



If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is

interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes

your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the

double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is

corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless

and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network

is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to

tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer

down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of

gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may

as well reboot and go hang out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a

poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the

microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash

your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.. Quickly turn off the

computer and be sure to tell your mom!

(Author Unknown)


Top ten unusual comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report

10. Truly an eager beaver

9. Uses too much teeth.

8. Stays late, comes early.

7. Excellent oral dictation skills; has never missed a period.

6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.

5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.

4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.

3. "In Box" is always clean & shiny.

2. Tends to blab on the telephone.

And the #1 Comment............

1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale!


A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is

there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the

doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and

no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail

sitting on the doormat.

The snail says, "What the fuck was that all about?"


Subject: Things a woman should say but won't.


(but would in a perfect world)

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p****!

4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart! Do another one!

6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go


9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's


12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had

time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come


15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try


16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother is way better than mine.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy

yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for

christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful

stress reliever.

20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a pack of

beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

21. Not the f*cking mall again, come on let's go to that new

strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you

retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the

night feedings.

24. ....if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my

ears for you!


Dr. Suess Meets Fornigate

I am Starr. Starr I are.

I'm a brilliant barri-star.

I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,

Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you grope beneath her blouse?

Did she give you gifts and ties?

Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that in a chair!

I went not near her giant hair!

I did not join -- even for fun,

The Mile High Club in Air Force One,

So stow your feathers and your tar,

I did not do her Starr you are!

Did you smile?

Did you Flirt?

Did you peek beneath her skirt?

And did you tell the girl to lie,

When called upon to testify?

That is it; you've gone too far!

I do not like you Starr you are!

I will not answer any more!

In fact, I think I'll start a war!

The public's easy to distract,

When bombs are falling on Iraq!


Medical Studies have shown that in the White House, you not only can get

AIDS from sex, but you can get sex from aides.


And, finally........

Q: What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing

President Clinton's latest State of the Union speech?

A: You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was.


Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when a rowdy crowd from New York City showed up.

Being somewhat skeptical, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit them, as they were for better or worse, still all his children.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"


There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy

driving from Ft. Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other

cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in

different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He

looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He

too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy

walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign

from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends

instead of arch rivals" The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You

know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what

else survived this wreck."

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of

Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God

that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship" The Army

guy says, " You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking

down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy

hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think

I'll wait for the cops to show up."


Presidential Jokes

What is the favorite game at the Whitehouse these days? Swallow the


The difference between Fornigate & Watergate is that we didn't know

who "Deepthroat" was in Watergate.

This just in...Bill Clinton is willing to settle the Lewinsky case.

Though the President will admit to no wrongdoing, he is willing to pay

for Monica Lewinsky's dry cleaning.

In a survey of over 500 woman, when asked if they would make love to

the President, 83% of them responded "Never again."

What's the difference between Bill Clinton & the Titanic? At least we

know how many people went down on the Titanic.

What did Arafat say to Clinton last night? "Sheep don't talk, my


What did Clinton say when he heard Monica Lewinsky talking to the

press? "Now she opens her mouth!"

Famous presidential quotes:

-"Ich bin ein Berliner." --John F Kennedy

-"I'm not a crook!" --Richard Nixon

-"Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev." --Ronald Reagan

-"Read my lips!" --George Bush

-"Suck my dick!" --William J Clinton


What's the best thing about being a female White House intern? All of

the "hands on" experience!

Does this mean "BUSH" will finally defeat Clinton?

This is day three of Jailbate-gate for President Clinton, or as they

are calling him now, the Unabanger.

Only President Clinton could divert attention from a sex scandal with

another sex scandal.

Hillary's new book is entitled "It takes a Village to Keep an Eye on

My Husband."

The President said "a year & a half affair with Lewinsky would have

been impossible; I would have become bored & cheated on her after six


Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? He couldn't

give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

What do Monica Lewinsky & Bob Dole have in common? They were both

upset when Bill finished first.

What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town.

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. It

seems that today he finally admitted that he had sex with Jennifer

Flowers a couple of times... but he didn't come.

"One thing's for sure about Clinton... he sure doesn't neglect

domestic affairs!"

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that can run

faster than the Governor.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? He thinks

the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

And last but not least, from Dennis Miller last friday:

"Clintons aids are kicking themselves for not asking more questions

about Bill's "fool proof" plan for diverting attention away from the

Paula Jones scandal"


Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who lived by a peaceful

pond. One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob - the duck who

was in charge of the pond.

The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked at the ground.

Bob asked, "What's your name?"

The little duck replied, "Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob.

"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules.

You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck waddled away.

The second duck approached Bob. "What's your name?" Bob asked. The

little duck replied, "Duck, Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" Bob asked.

"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules.

You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck Duck waddled away.

Now Bob was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a pattern.

When the third little duck waddled up to him

Bob said, "Let me guess. You're Duck, Duck, Duck?"

"No," replied the little duck. "I'm Bubbles."




StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.

theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".


What if President Clinton held summit meetings on AOL?

PrezBubba: {{{{{{{{{{{{{Boris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

DRUNKBORIS: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

PrezBubba: What's up?


DRUNKBORIS: How's the knee?

PrezBubba: They may have to amputate

PrezBubba: ----------just kidding


PrezBubba: BTW, are you going to join NATO or not?


PrezBubba: :(

PrezBubba: age/sex check


PrezBubba: 51/m

PrezBubba: come on...join NATO


PrezBubba: k

PrezBubba: No need to yell

PrezBubba: What about arms reduction?

PrezBubba: well

PrezBubba: ?

PrezBubba: you there?

DRUNKBORIS: ----sorry

DRUNKBORIS: I got an IM from some borscht belt babe

PrezBubba: kewl

PrezBubba: was she looking for some cyber?

DRUNKBORIS: No...just complaining about the rampant unemployment!

Asking ME to do something about it!


PrezBubba: LMAO

PrezBubba: So are you gonna lose the jukes?


PrezBubba: oops...

PrezBubba: nukes

DRUNKBORIS: yeah, sure...why not. :)

PrezBubba: wtg, Boris!

DRUNKBORIS: {{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}

PrezBubba: ---feels very diplomatic right now

DRUNKBORIS: o.k. are we done cuz i wanna go to The Best Lil

Chathouse now

PrezBubba: guess so...I'm going to AskFemaleAnything

DRUNKBORIS: you're sick!

PrezBubba: ;)

DRUNKBORIS: anyway, cya

PrezBubba: peace, out


It's the Spring of 1955 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a

pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,

the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Susan's not ready

yet, so why don't you have a seat?" "That's cool," said Bobby.

Susan's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda

shop or a movie.

Susan's father replies, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I

hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a

surprise to Bobby so he asks Susan's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah,

Susan really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the

evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later,

Susan comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces

that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out

the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Susan rushes back into the house, slams

the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY!



The Top 25 World's Shortest Books:

25. "Things I wouldn't do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

24. Human Rights Advances in China

23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert

22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton

21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen

20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson

19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"

18. Al Gore: The Wild Years

17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

16. America's Most Popular Lawyers

15. Career Opportunities for History Majors

14. Detroit - A Travel Guide

13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

11. Easy UNIX

10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

9. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Everything Women Know About Men

7. French Hospitality

6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Book

and the Number One World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion


Well did ya?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

Steve Bluestone


Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and

anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner


I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair

under my arms instead.

Sue Kolinsky


I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer


The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second

day you're off it.

Jackie Gleason


I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The

girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Jay Leno


I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna

know your name..."

Mike Binder


Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long

enough to get money from it.

Stephen Leacock


The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be

caught dead in otherwise.

Roger Simon


You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow

you'll be afraid to cough.

Pearl Williams


I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison


If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candle


George Gobel


Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the

Salvation Army instead.

They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy

it back for seventy-five cents.

Billiam Coronel


Phone Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the

world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.


My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll

leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're



Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone

right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya

likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right

... real slowly.

So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get

back to you.


A is for academics,

B is for beer.

One of those reasons is why we're not here.

So leave a message.


Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough


If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.

Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a

veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it,

his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?

Alas no,

his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave

a message.


"Hi. Now you say something."


"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you

can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."


"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"


(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If

you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I

call sooner!


"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his

refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message

to myself with one of these magnets."


"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just

eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say,

if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it

up to the phone.'


"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and

their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not

need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and

number and they will get back to you."


"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,

your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll

think about returning your call."


"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.


Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."


"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."


"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our

weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably

aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."


"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel

very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your

ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel

helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."


"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your

voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later

use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound

of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.

There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of

professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to

further explain the benefits of our service and to arrange for your schedule of


Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain

silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


Here's some more stuff .

Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the

Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:

Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.

Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free

for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?

Bill: Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a

little smaller than we anticipated.

Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the

release date.

Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.

Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,

larger living room; or you can use Stacker.

Bill: Stacker?

Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into

the room. By stacking it, of course. You put the entertainment center

on the couch, the chairs on the table, etc. You leave an empty spot,

so when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack what you need

and then put it back when you're done.

Bill: Uh...I dunno. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs

we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the

wrong way.

Contractor: Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.

You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.

Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not

rectangular. How do I fix that?

Contractor: Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.

Bill: You're kidding!

Contractor: Nope. Its the only way.

Bill: sighWell, I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have

guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The

water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.

Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to

terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other


Bill: And how do I fix that?

Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house,

turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house

and then you'll be back on track.

Bill: That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?

Contractor: Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy


Bill: And when will this be fixed?

Contractor: Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release

sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out earlier this

year, but we've had some delays..


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a

trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get

ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate

ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I

brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You

have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the

second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived

and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial

to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out

in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in

heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away

with it?" The second one replied,

"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


Email from Steve,

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this

group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer

fabrication,but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse

for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and

beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is


Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy

the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.

It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection

to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the

all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as

possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I

started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and

beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates

of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.

Perhaps a bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well

all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten

four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much

pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the

same time, the downward pressure was building. At irst, I thought it

was only gas which could have been passed in atche sight at the table

without to much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear

that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease

can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food

which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon

entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals

just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the

back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would

have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit

when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken

and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop

cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wirecutters is having

someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal


In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped

stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time

lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the

circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the

pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move." For those women who may be reading this, let me

take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their

bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the

cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped

under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves

simultaneously approaching the toilet,

beginning the body turn to position ones ass

toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and

pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a

very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless

expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly

placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the

choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event

that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of

coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor

and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of

those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the

corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.

Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had

eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a

rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined

with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four

plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What

happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a

bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was

diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame

on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled

down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now,

most of you know that vomiting takes precidence over shit no matter

what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an

evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting

takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate

any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death.

My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass

exploded in what can only be described as a know, as in a

newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of

Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most

suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistancy of

thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of

my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that

moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in

relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off

the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of

incidence equal to the angle at which it initally hit the toilet

seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occured, I was already half-way to

sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always

considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you

get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber

you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force,

was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat

and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when

hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you

throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left

to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining

on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed


Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way

up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had

filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just

consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when

vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the

toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my

head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and

waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a

point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I

was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the


In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or

three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in

my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my


In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple

of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my

pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the

toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about

five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering

the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit

was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet


And there was no fucking toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac

to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if

I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was

crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would

get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet

paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with

him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told

him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening

in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to

go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he

left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had

pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing

what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I

explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out

words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had

experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I

had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the

car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure

she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and

purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by

that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies)

new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still

laughing. She began to ask for an explination as to what had happened

when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to

handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few

dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he

assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be

cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what

was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would

expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's

making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it

dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went

so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his

actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and

tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to

make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He

hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began

cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my

wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall,

whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag

that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished

cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck

in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out

of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing

there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I

had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended

to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up

the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the

center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the

bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all

he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were

there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard

that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry

out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the

front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at

Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of

any restaurant in which I have eaten.

Steve Crisp


A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a

small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese

man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up

for the night?" Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one

condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three

worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, (thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as

well),and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the

stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was

obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off

him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her

and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer

and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man

wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but


He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a

large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,"Chinese Torture

1:Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If

that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry

about."He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw

the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that

read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting

close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than

castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he

plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that

read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."


The Van Gogh Family Tree:

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist

Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew............................Po Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh




Ronald Reagan:

I don't recall.

The Bible:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou

shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was

much rejoicing.


The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?

The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.


It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed

the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your

underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A. Police Department:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon:

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross

the road.

Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in

dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2:

It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Dr. Seuss:

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes! The chicken crossed the road,

But why it crossed, I've not been told!


If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross

roads without having their motives called into question.

Joseph Stalin:

I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Carl Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated

that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and,

therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Mulder (of X Files) :

It was a government conspiracy.

Scully (of X Files) :

It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in



Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in

such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads.

Darwin #2:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Oliver Stone:

The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but

is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we

overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld:

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to

ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the

place anyway?"

The Pope:

That is only for God to know.


In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told

us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for


George Orwell:

Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing

the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their


Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?

Allen Ginsburg:

I saw the best chickens of my generation destroyed by madness, crossing

roads wildly, laughing hysterical naked.....

Bill Clinton:

I categorically deny all allegations that I had sex with the chicken.


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his

face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress

his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both


"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running

her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there

anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues

huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him

to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know,

sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's

maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a

special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, you don't deserve to


I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I

had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

How many of you have continued dating someone because you were too lazy to

commit suicide?

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had

14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all

that communicative but I heard from it on Tuesday morning when I genially

proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous

Toning With resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do

it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -

and then marry him.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes

home from work, then I've done my job.

My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news

is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch"

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too

much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they

kidding me?

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's

34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that shit.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other.

Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How

intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your



And we sometimes wonder why technicians are so irritable...maybe it's

because of the technically challenged...

The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article.

These are actual customer "problems" taken by technical support

personnel at various computer manufacturers:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to"Press

Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the

"Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that "her mouse was

hard to control with the dust cover on". The "dust cover" turned out

to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining

that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old

diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to

diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the

diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective

diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along

with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy

back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech

to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and

crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to

fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician

discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in

front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no

longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and

water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys

and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged

because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The

tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"

responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He

told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find

printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to

face the printer -but that his computer still couldn't "see" the


10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get

her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was

plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed

the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot

pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the

computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new

computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in

and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.

When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked

"What powerswitch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty

period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did

you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a

promotional. It just has '4X'on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't

stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the

load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the


13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for

support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in

the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to

put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't

realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions

for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from

it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed

the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.


A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his


with his dog:

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Rancher: This dog don't talk!

Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?

Dog: Doin alright

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Dog: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and

takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Rancher: Horses don't talk!

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?

Horse: Cool.

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?

Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them

sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up

together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order

to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the

ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter

let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring Heaven didn't REALLY

need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the

question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and

answered, "about 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


In the Beginning was The Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

and the Plan was completely without substance

and the darkness was upon the face of the workers

and they spoke among themselves, saying

"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh to high heaven."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,

"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth

unto them,

"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that

none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,

"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to


"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very


And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth

unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth

unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency

of this Company, and these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon The Plan,

And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Company Policy.


This Is How Shit Happens.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice

on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a


Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite


"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and

tie. "

Confused, the man went to a philosopher, told him of the conflicting

advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a

story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother

what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown

that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she

got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck

right down to your navel.'" The man protested: "What does all this have to do

with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."


And the best newspaper headlines of 1997 are:

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature

20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide

21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

30. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During

the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and

shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more

between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered "I

know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship

with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and

said "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been

unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose

he took it, do you?"

The priest said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to

be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Father. I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my

house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But

the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were


Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the

young priest which read:

"Dear Father. I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper

and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper.

But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you

would have found the gravy ladle by now."


In Ireland, Pat is not feeling very well and he decides

to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room,

a nun comes out of the doctor's office.

She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor:

"I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible.

I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."


*** Surgeons operate to remove two tongues from farmer

Chinese surgeons operated on a man to remove two of his three tongues

so that he can eat and speak normally for the first time in 20 years,

Xinhua news agency said. Xian Shihua, a 32-year-old farmer from the

southwestern province of Sichuan, was born with one tongue, but a

second, smaller one grew when he was five years old, and later a

third, the official agency said Sunday. "His largest tongue was 13

inches long, 6 inches wide, and 4.4 inches thick, while the other two

were 3.6 inches long and of varying widths and thickness," the report

added. The operation, carried out at the Southwest Military Hospital

in Chongqing, enabled Xian to speak normally to family and friends and

to go off the liquid diet that he had subsisted on since childhood.


Deep Thoughts

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

5. How is it possible to have a civil war?

6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

19. What happens when none of your bees wax?

20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane

crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't

everyone just move 10 miles away?



The President takes the day off work to elude the press corps and

Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip away

from the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public

course in Maryland. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog

sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to

shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 iron"

The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his

other club away, and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from

the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,


The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The President decides to take

the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the

President asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

Bill takes out a 3 wood and Wham! Hole in one. The President is

befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the

President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

"OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Andrews AFB, fire

up Air Force One, file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at

4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino. Bill says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette

table, the President asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog

replies, "Ribbit. $300,000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,

Clinton figures what the heck. Whoosh! Tons of cash comes sliding

back across the table. The President takes his winnings and the his new

buddy, First Frog, and heads back to DC.

Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Orifice,

Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me

all this money and I, and the Democratic National Committee, are

forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." Bill figures why not, since

after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog

turns into a gorgeous 21-year-old girl named Monica.

"And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office."


LIZ'S PRAYER....(Sent by a friend...who knows her well .. VEG)

Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning

tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them

AR hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though

they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some

help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY


God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter,

parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that


God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird! -- ing at time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.

And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second

thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.


Top 10 Signs You're Suffering from Burnout

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, Bitch!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.


A police officer pulls over a little red sports car for speeding. He

walks up to the car and the first thing he notices is how gorgeous the

driver is. She's a drop dead blonde, the works, just gorgeous!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's


"License . . . ???" The blonde looks confused.

"It's usually in your wallet," replies the officer. After fumbling

for a few minutes, the driver manages to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asks the cop.

"Registration, . . . . hmmmm. What's that?" asks the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment," says the cop impatiently.

After more fumbling, she finds the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks back to his squad


The officer runs a routine check on the license and registration, and

the dispatcher comes back all excited:

"Is this woman driving a red sports car?" he asks.

"Yes," answers the officer.

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asks the dispatcher.

"Uh . . . yes" replies the cop. "Here's what you do" says the


"Give her back her stuff, stand back and drop your pants."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaims the cop.

"Trust me; just do it," says the dispatcher.

So the cop returns to the blonde, hands back the license and

registration, and drops his pants as instructed.

The blonde rolls up her eyes and sighs, "Oh no! Not ANOTHER



This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the

breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the

administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here

to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll

consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think

about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to

check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the

little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door

locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the

nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I

understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think

politics is all about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working

Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and

the Future is in Deep Shit!



A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight

from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like

to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap so she politely

declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot

of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the

answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and

tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the

answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you

$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no

end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the

earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her

purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill

with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop

computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone

with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.

All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde

politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and

asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde

reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.



Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to

fly south for the winter. Soon, the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly

started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and

he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it

was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and

happy, and able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the

sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and

promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

(2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. (He hates that.)

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear bright

until you hear them speak?

Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the

battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they

already know you don't have?

Why are there 5 syllables in "monosyllabic"?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell

him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked

when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of "progress"?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid

contains real lemons?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the 'self-help'


She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they

still working?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.


One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea

level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on

no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a

few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later,

the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board

set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep

without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had

written, and wrote,



Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both presidents were shot on a Friday.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by Southerners

Both were succeeded by Southerners

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And the clincher is:

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was In Marilyn Monroe.


Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only

apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

Deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously

thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally,

overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open

and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big

kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

He replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels!"


Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar

but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag

and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that


"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The

friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will

you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said.

So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops

back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there

waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a

million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a

million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of

hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"


A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a

nightmare. The man wakes his son and asks him if he is OK?

The son replies that he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had

died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to


The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him

goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his

son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.

The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him

goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his

son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The

father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he is going to

die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a

collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He

avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every

noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. At the end of a very

painfully long day, he again drives slowly home.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he

proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the

doorstep this morning".


Before you get married maybe you should get a dog instead. Here are some good reasons from a friend with experience:

1) Dogs don't cry

2) Dogs love it when your friends come over.

3) Dogs find it amusing when you're drunk.

4) Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

5) A Dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

6) Dogs don't expect you to call if you're running late. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

7) Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

8) Dogs are excited by rough play.

9) Dogs don't mind if you give away their offspring.

10) Dogs don't get headaches. If they do, they'll still play.

11) Anyone can get a good looking dog.

12) If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

13) Dogs don't shop.

14) Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.

15) A dog's disposition is the same all month.

16) Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

17) A dog's parents never visit.

18) Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

19) When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly you can shoot it.

20) No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

21) Dogs never expect gifts.

22) You never have to wait for a dog. They are ready to go 24 hours a day.

23) Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

24) Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

25) Dogs don't care what time you go to bed.

26) A dog is always glad to see you !


A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the

hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death


During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God

says no and explains she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have

a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures

she's got another 30 or 40 years, so she might as well

make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is

killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God again

and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies: "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."


A Californian, a Coloradan, and an Texan, attending a convention in a

little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying

a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp,

then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He

told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high

in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan finished drinking his Marguerita, and threw HIS glass

against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were

they all rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was cheap

and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Coloradan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the

Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he

told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so many Texans and

Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.


A nun got into a cab. During the ride she noticed that the driver was

staring at her. When she asked him why he said, "I want to ask you

something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't

offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just

about everything."

The cab driver said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun

give me a blow job."

She said, "Well ... perhaps we can work something out. But ... You

have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately, the cab driver said, "Oh, YES!! I'm single and I'm


The nun said, "OK, pull into that alley," and he did. She did her

thing and they were on the street again. Shortly afterwards, the cab

driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister I have sinned. I lied, I lied ...I'm

married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a

costume party!!"


Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has

a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped

over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban

came oozing out.

He said, "I am a Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit!"


A guy named Chris goes over to his

friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi is Tony home?"

"No he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in."

They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the

greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a

hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self,

what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all

the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris

promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They

are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them.

I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see

both of them together."

Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell,

opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks

her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he

can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife

says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the

200 bucks he owes me?"



A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a

triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked, "That's quite

a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies "I got home and

found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple.

"No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As

the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him "What did you

do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replies, "looked her straight in

the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get the

hell out."

"That makes sense." said the bartender, "but what about your best


The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye

and said 'BAD DOG!'"


A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare.

He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a

small  enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a

look at your horth?"

"Sure", says the farmer,"come on in."

The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says

to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."

The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him

the mare's eyes.

"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth,

I think I want to buy thith horth."

Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking

the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and


"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I

think I want to buy thith horth."

The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because

the dwarf is quite heavy.

Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her

twat, I want to see her twat!"

The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head

first into the mare's backside.

He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to

talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and

extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"

The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better

wephrase that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"


The Pope dies and naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the

reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy

any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he

wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy

Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the

languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in

the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible,

working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original

script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels

come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair,

crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'!" They left out the

'R'. God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what

the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,

"It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be "CELEBRATE"!


Even if these aren't true, they are still fun!! Enjoy! Tony

Further proof that the gene pool needs some purification, and these are

some ways of attaining the goal.

THE DARWIN AWARDS (New as of 02/10/98) are given every year to bestow upon

(the remains of) those individuals, who through single-minded

self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the

human gene pool.



(#1) Los Angeles, CA.

Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed

on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal

firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of

dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their

home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion

of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani.

Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a

nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three

times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was

allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.

(#2) Queensland, Australia

A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train and was

dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being slammed into a pylon

at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help. The

Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving

along the Newell

Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night,

police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter

long train at a level crossing. The vehicle became wedged between the

second to last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track

as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After

being carried more than a

kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter

drop, he spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the

car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and the car spun

several times. When it came to a rest, the pair managed to escape (Volvo?)

with minor

bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he

slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The

woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree

hospital with chest injuries.

#3) Minneapolis, MN

Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with

third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.

Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian

roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional

revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

(#4) Phillipsburg, NJ.

An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he

had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I

didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as

"Ginger" said, adding, "He was really drunk."

(#5) Windsor, Ont.,

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and

Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the

game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.


1.Bradford, PA,

In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his yard. As a joke

he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened

the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and,

as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr


survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency


2. Carbon County, PA

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and

discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels,

age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the

beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the

group fired, the

animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from

Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels

retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to

smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the

fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried

to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the

determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet

down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding

fireball propelled Mr.

Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.

He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,"

according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched

directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends,

onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air.

"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden

reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor

injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they

shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure

I wouldn't get hurt."


Subject: Periodic Table of Elements Addition




ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg but known to vary from 40-200 kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious specimens in all populated areas


1. Surface usually covered by a painted film

2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason

3. Melts if given special treatment

4. Bitter if incorrectly used

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places


1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or apparent reason

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when saturated

with alcohol

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man


1. Highly ornamental

2. Can be great aid to relaxation

3. Civilizing effect on bachelor environments

4. Distribution of wealth


1. Unadorned specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen


1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained

at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact

with each other.


With this time of year again, thot you might enjoy this!!


Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no

polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of

those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's

weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We

believe the letter speaks for itself.


Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three

dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have

questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil &

expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my

responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care

for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the

next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the

deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest

you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions

about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed

to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be

a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that

you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that

over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so

you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense

funds to fix the vehicle

or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the

wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to

occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of

overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am

quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that

you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a

little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself

one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at

three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and

his friends

were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the

local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a

dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big

deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting

out a few days of school

after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone

number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have

raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much

more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them

unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,

or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of

unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by

magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She

came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,

sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be

raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics

is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself

for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite

obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have

helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under

twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys

in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school

sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a

refreshing exican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards,

pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a

fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle

it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I

think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what

it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick

which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest. I still go

bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two

oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a

teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting

Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already

increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $2,395 in additional tax

and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,


Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: "Rats,

they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."



The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came

in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the

barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

TheIrishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish

whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched

back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a

glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus

sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to

give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into

the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that

God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give

Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched

him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt

the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the

door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are


The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above

his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and

exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"


Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of

left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit

Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the

ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the

couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was

wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd

love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh

please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so

great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just

let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift

to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an

excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if

Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of

thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the

one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."


Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a

few  stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning

blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One Texan said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The

other agreed and said, "Yep, think we should go help?" "Yep" said the first,

and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe??" She shook her head

"no". He said, "Can you speak??" She again shook her head "no". With

that he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was

the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe,

with great relief. Returning to his friend, the Texas said, "Funny how that

hindlick maneuver always works.......".


It's the 1930s and the Empire State Building in New York just opened.

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the building. It

looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to

another guy and gets a Scotch.

"This is a nice place, I've never been here," the first guy says.

"Oh really?" the other replies. "It's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original

Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from

the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window.

If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches

you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over

to the window, followed closely by the first man.

He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He

drops 10 ... 20 ... 30 ... 40 ... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!

He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls

out the window again.

He drops 10 ... 20 ... 30 ... 40 ... 50 feet, comes to a stop,

and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the

window. "Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.

"Well, what the hell, I'll give it a try," the first man says and

proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10 ... 20 ... 30 ... 40

... 50 ... 60 ... 70 ... 80 ... 90 ...100 ... feet and splat! He

ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy

casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another

drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know,

Superman, you're a fucking asshole when you're drunk."



I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my


I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,

and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

It's more fun than dealing with women after all..

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

******** And now it's time for a rebuttal ****************


I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.

My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,

or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,

or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.

Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.

Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!


Subject: Time:11:40 AM

OFFICE MEMO more Lewinsky stuff Date:5/7/98

Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in

a limerick Winning Contestants' Entries:

# 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas "Hail to the Chief"

on this flute made of beef

that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

# 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you look such a mess,

use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

# 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

what Kaczynski must surely have known:

that an intern is better

than a bomb in a letter

given the choice to be blown.

# 4

There was a young girl called Lewinsky,

Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski

When on Kenneth Starr's lap

she confided, when trapped,

"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *

(* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)


One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he

meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat

"you lived a good life and if there is any way I can

make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let

Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord,

all my life I have lived with a poor family and had

to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the

cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy

pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic

farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is

the Lord there to great them with the same offer.

The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with

brooms. Running, running,running; we're tired of

running. Do you think we could have roller skates so

we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no

more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat

and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently

wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you

are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies

"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever

expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been

sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"


Why are men like lawn mowers?

If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Why is a hard man good to find?

You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?

It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you

didn't need it anyway.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

How do we know men invented maps?

Who else would make an inch into a mile?

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?

By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

How are men like bank machines?

Once they withdraw they lose interest

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the


Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?

Because men always fuck up.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"


1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the

self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat

the purpose.

2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in

charge of everything outdoors?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

5.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have

monkeys and apes?

7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

9. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM


10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are

they all still working?

11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always

ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing

liquid contains real lemons?

14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?


Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in their hair, gold in their

teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their

stomachs. I have become more social with the passing of the years; some

might even call me a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every


As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go see John.

Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my

time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the

rest of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he

takes me from joint to joint.) After such a busy day, I'm really tired

and glad to go to bed - with Ben Gay. What a life!

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age I

should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time.

No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen or down in

the basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"


REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft

Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret

facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am

PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks

between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible

antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any

and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm

anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in

the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear


Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly

dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of

Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it

was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain

bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would

boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the

President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since

lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the

administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"

with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test

justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear

Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire

"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,

"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold

copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace

Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither

confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric

generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold,

"but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the

Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would

explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so

hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical

power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those

stories about cold fusion."


THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but...

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand

in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you

since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate

people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising

big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to

anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was

a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,

has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a

drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone

and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I

know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called

both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with

menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed

for contempt!"


A man goes to the confessional.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week

and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was

going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging

over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about

100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the

bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running,

an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and

began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel

away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of

forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through

some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto

the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.


Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for

drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, and the flight

attendant asked Rev. Falwell if he would also like a drink. The minister replied

in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore

than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the

attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday

morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his

hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll

around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately

began to apologize.

  She then explained that she was a physical therapist and

offered to help ease his pain..."Please allow me to help. I'm a

physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just

allow me," she told him earnestly.

  "Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few

minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still

clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he

finally allowed her to help him.

  She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,

loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

  "Does that feel better?" she asked.

  "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts

like hell!"


A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar

which reads:


Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to

the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive

blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives

the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese



A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her

mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300. She

exclaims: "I don't have any money... but I would do ANYTHING to get a

message to my mother in Poland!!"

To that the man asks "Anything??" And the blonde says "Yes...


With that, the man says "Follow me!!"

He walks into the next room and tells her:

"Come in and close the door"...She does!!...

He then says "Get on your knees"...She does!!...

He then says take down my zipper"...She does!!...

He then says "Go ahead... Take it out!!"

With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!

The man then says "Well... Go ahead!!"...

She brings her mouth closer to it,

and while holding it close to her lips...

She says "HELLO, MOM"????


Little Johnny's Trip

Mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."

Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what

is a fucker?"

Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"

Mom: "but who said they were called, er, fuckers?"

Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers,"

but we all knew what she meant."


Lost in the Woods

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a

better chance of catching something.

The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into

the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."

After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost.

He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. Hethenwaits

an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of

forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.

The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on

the hour until I ran out of arrows."


One Year To Live

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness

and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained

his situation,

he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 modelDodge

Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliestwoman you

can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in thepanhandle of

Oklahoma. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like



A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper

when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse

about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on

a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir,

I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral

like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my

wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two


"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."


Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony are spending

their wedding night at Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas.

They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night. Just as

Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops


"Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know......this ain't just

our first time......this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin'

myself just for you."

"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"

"I said, I'm a virgin. One hundred percent cherry. Just for you on our

weddin' night."

"Yore a VIRGIN??"

"That's right. Please be gentle."

"Gentle? Gentle my ass. I'm outta here!"

With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, hard-on and all, and leaves his

virgin bride lying alone and naked. He slams the door, jumps in his

pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.

"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"

"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin'

night! Why the hell ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a

haystack somewhere f*ckin' like rabbits?"

"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that

she's a virgin!"


"That's right, Paw. One hundred percent cherry. As soon as she told

me, I got the hell outta there as fast as I could!"

"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing......Cuz if she

ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"
































One day while walking down the street, a highly successful,

executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived

up heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in

though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never

once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what

to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to

do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can

choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in


"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive

in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and

she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful

golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were

all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were

all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed

her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an

excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an

excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)

and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such

a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the


The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates

and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So she spent the next 24

hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.

Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never

thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all,

but think I had a better time in Hell."

So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went

down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in

a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her

friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it

in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't

understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and

there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and

we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of

garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday we

were recruiting you, but today you're staff."


The Soap Story

The following is some correspondence which actually occurred between a

London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved

submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my

bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the

six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another

three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from

her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you

requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on

top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This

leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the

management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the

little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you

had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going

to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial

so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in

my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which

we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in

your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put

the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3

complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine

cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you

checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,


Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you

called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my

apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please

contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108

between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen


Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for

business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the

reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I

only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little

bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have

thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of

hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the

bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of


Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop

delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of


assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room

including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to

call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your

soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room

since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they

service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please

accept my

apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last

night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of

Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54

bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my

bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I

personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3

Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the

4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your

soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know

where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to

locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1

stack of 2.

- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4

hotel size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are

neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more

than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill

is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am

keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman


The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers:

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is

guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers

incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,

each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been

pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,

thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to

have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which

most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,

who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I

would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer

is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

a. I suppose so.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the

incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Moo!

f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how

I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how

I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a

Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least

an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: Yes, I would.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures

of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.


Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue

needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends,

Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went

in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh,

he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled

him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't

Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind

of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and

Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him

over. "The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at

his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician said "How can

you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What?

He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yeh, everyone in town knew

he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town,

everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"


The FDA is considering putting new warnings on all alcoholic beverages.

Here are some examples.

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are

whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same

boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like

thish. (I'm a chrissian)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that

ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the

hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the

morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you

can't remember)

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are

tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named


4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are


3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are

laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the

time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large gaps of time may seem to


1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.



# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he

turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside

him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am,

if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room


 # 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I

get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,

nothing will."

 # 7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be

seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange

brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual


He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting

book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians

have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest

average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 # 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps

his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns

over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment

tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes

later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers

in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 # 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number

of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a

terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle

slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk

about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to

overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife

could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,

Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to

put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

 # 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for

several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead

of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and

suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any

reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a


From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral

sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't


the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five


later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened-to which the man replies: "She choked."

 # 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the

alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make

you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals


Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his

mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this

spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped

his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The

gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man

grabbed a

beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The

gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as

promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was


The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100

who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a


a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll

try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer


 # 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a


black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the

small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3

pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,

slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20

inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner


The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'" 

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were


at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his

wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting

here at

this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as

jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"


upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples

are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the


is in your oatmeal!!!!


President's Speech..... as written by Dr. Seuss:

I did not do it in a car

I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark

I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date

I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance

I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base

I did not do it in her face

I never did it in a bed

If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan

I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain

I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip

I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly

With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher

I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life

I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes

Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers

Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie

I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November

But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall

I could have, but I don't recall

I never did it in my study

I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat

I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry

I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington

There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel

And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd

At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed

They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar

I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin

Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me

I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech

Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail

But never, never did inhale.


These were taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the

July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

1."I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2."I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

3."Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4."Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5."Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6."Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7."It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8."Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9."You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10."Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11."I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No


13."I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14."I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond

to my resume on my office voice mail."

15."I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and

absolutely nothing."

16."My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in

meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

17."I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18."Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

19."As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

20."Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21."Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.I have never

quit a job."

22."Marital status: often. Children: various."

23."Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to

work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

24."The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous


25."Finished eighth in my class of ten."

26."References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."


These quotes were taken from actual preformance evaluations.

1."Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has

started to dig."

2."His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3."I would not allow this employee to breed."

4."This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a

definitely won't be."

5."Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a


6."When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever

foot was previously in there."

7."He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9."He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve


10."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11."This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."


These are actual lines from military perfromance appraisals or OERs (officer

efficiency reports).

1.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2.Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3.A room temperature IQ.

4.Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all ogether.

5.A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

6.A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

7.A prime candidate for natural deselection.

8.Bright as Alaska in December.

9.One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

10.Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

11.Fell out of the family tree.

12.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

13.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

14.He's so dense, light bends around him.

15.If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

16.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

17.If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

18.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

19.It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000,000 other sperm.

20.One neuron short of a synapse.

21.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

22.Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

23.Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a

response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you

can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the

fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.

Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious

couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,

Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a

high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe

Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because

her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son,

Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable

throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in

a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced

the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made

millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,

the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned

from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can

correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the

family tree.


Click here:


A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a

number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they

are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to


After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and

says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She

begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and

says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's

1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this


Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she

grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are

you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short

fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"


The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he

said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off

in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales

position, and one month after that you were promoted to district

manager of the sales department. Just four short months later,

you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to

retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you

say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."


To all you pet owners out there!!

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an

examination room and has him put his dog down on

the examination table. The vet examines the still,

limp body and after a few moments tells the man

that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept

this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with

a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.

The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking

and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet

and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the

body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the

vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm

sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the

vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "£650.

"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you

£50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was

for the cat scan and lab tests.


" Restroom Graffiti"

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. --Women's

restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. --Men's

restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library,

Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

--Houghton Library, Harvard University.

Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --Rest

stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? --

The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

--The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of

putting up with her shit. --Men's Room,

Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's House of Coffee

and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! --

Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God --The Tombs

Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

--Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to

have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas,



A man called his attorney's office and the attorney's secretary tell him

that the attorney had died two months earlier.

The next day the man calls again and asked for the attorney.

The secretary says, "As I told you yesterday, he died two months ago."

The next day the man calls again and asks for the attorney.

The secretary, this time with some frustration says, " Why do you keep

calling? I have told you two times now that he died two months ago. "

The man replies, "Because I just like hearing you say it.


A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the

hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining

consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical

joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't

worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the

hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since

both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?"

and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come

up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew"


A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to

another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him

for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner

walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man!

That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but

his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've

seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what

do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll

show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him

and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it

between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You


The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I

can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know

you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy

then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his

left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can

see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets

with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way

to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee

in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I

won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of

thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6

feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the

bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the

bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing

and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just

then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down

at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright.

I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar

and you'd laugh about it."



Three Labrador retrievers -- a brown, yellow and black -- are sitting

in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a


The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the

sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night,

when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the

vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up

flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig


the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big

hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the

vet's office for. " I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump

anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,

whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had

just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I

just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac

for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


You know it's time to join E-Mail Anonymous when...

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check

your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as

if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your

lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,

just for the free internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using

a word

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you

check it again.

12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends

are because they have neutral screen names and you never

bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before

you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to

a friend.


One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in

the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help

the country?" Clinton asked.

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark

bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving

in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the

best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater."


David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown

with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an

expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly

saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think

of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.

He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the


For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then

suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly

opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's

extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my

rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my

behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about

to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"


Men Unite!

After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone finally

fought back...

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened

by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be

able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up

long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of

least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell

them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt


What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?


Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that

diminishes a woman's sex drive by cake

What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech, vroom-screech?

A blonde at a flashing red light.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intellegence

Why can't blondes make Kool-Aid?

They can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in those little pachages

How did the blonde break her arm?

Fell out of the tree while racking leaves

Why do blondes like lightening?

They think someone is taking their picture

A blonde bought an A M radio and it took her 2 weeks to figure out she

could play it at night.

How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?

It has a stamp on it

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

There's white-out all over the screen

How do you really confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to wait in the corner

Why is a blonde like a door knob?

Everyone gets a turn

What do you do when a blonde throughs a pin at you?

Run.......She's got the grenade in her mouth

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

She kept throwing away all the W's


Bill, Hillary, and Al were all in a boat. The boat sinks. Who's saved?

The United States of America

In a survey of American women, when asked " Would you sleep with

Bill Clinton?", 86% replied "not again!"

What's the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?

They know how many went down on the Titanic


3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day

and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they were

wearing so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.

Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it???????"

The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them.

The nuns let him into the room.....The man then looked around the room,

then looked at them and said,

"Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds?"


This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her

bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees

her. He watches her a while and then says, "You look ridiculous!

What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my

checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65

year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up..." she replied.


It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her

grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the

kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher

thought of an activity.

She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask

may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get

out of here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham


The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther


The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go."

Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered


Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can

do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"

and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these

bitches would keep their mouths shut."

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"


What 'cha got there?

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun

rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under

his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back

"Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool,

you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps

walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the

old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about

30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and

he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old

man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do

with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back,

"You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and

keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home

and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll

of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying

what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man

says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man

says "Wait up . . . I'll get my hat."


A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one friday evening

that reads: "Dear wife," that’s what he called her, "I am 54 and by the

time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my

beautiful and sexy 18 year-old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that

read, "Dear Husband," that’s what she called him, "I too am 54 and by

the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with

my handsome and virile 18 year-old boy toy. You being an accountant

will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54

goes into 18."


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous

Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities

that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house. I follow.

He and she get on train. I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree--look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

No fee.


A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf

course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee

the husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you drive

the ball. Don't knock out any windows - it'll cost us

a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the

window of the biggest house on the course. The husband

cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses!

Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is

going to cost."

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When

they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a

broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch

says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped

for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to

grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one

for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year

for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you

want?" the genie says, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

"Consider it done."

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex

with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot

of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's

OK with you."

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two

hours. Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is

your husband, anyway?"

"35. Why?"

"And he still believes in genies?"


Message from Boeing to Osama


Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the

stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as


He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks

on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing


"Name's Lars ... your neighbor from forty miles away....having a

Xmas party Friday ....thought you might like to come. About 5..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet

some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be

some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in busin! ess, I can drink with

the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be

some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks


Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at

these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone

for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just

gonna be the two of us".

missusa.jpg (22047 bytes)

On the left is Katie Harmon, Miss America, wearing the swimsuit she
chose for the competition.
On the right is a typical Afghan girl, wearing the heavy smothering
burqua as required by the oppressive Taliban regime.

Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping to
eventually get a Master's degree in Bioethics.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at all, and
cannot read or write.

Miss America has worked as a lab assistant at both the Oregon Health
Sciences University and the University of Puget Sound.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from working.

Miss America's father is an engineer. Her mother is a teacher.
Miss Afghanistan's father was shot by a gang of Taliban militants.
Her mother begs for bread scraps since she cannot work or remarry.

Miss America wowed the judges by singing a Puccini aria, "O Mio
Babbino Caro".
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from singing or even listening to music
of any kind.

Miss America will be traveling the nation nonstop during her reign..
Miss Afghanistan cannot leave her house without a male family member,
cannot drive, and cannot be out after dark.

Miss America is an advocate for breast cancer research.
Miss Afghanistan cannot be treated by a male doctor, and for all
practical purposes has no access to medical treatment of any kind.

Miss America can date, marry, or divorce anyone she chooses.
Miss Afghanistan will be stoned to death if caught in the company of a
male outside of her family. She is likely to be sold into an arranged
marriage to a man who already has two wives.

Miss America wears sunscreen on the beach to keep from burning.
Miss Afghanistan cannot live in a house with windows unless they are
painted black. Since she must wear a burqua outside, her pale
translucent skin has not seen a ray of sunlight in years.

Miss America could have been disqualified if her swimsuit did not meet
pageant standards.
Miss Afghanistan can be flogged if the holes in the mesh covering her
face are too large.

Miss America will decide how many children, if any, she wants to have.
Miss Afghanistan will be pregnant 3-4 times more often than Miss
America. Unfortunately, her babies are 25 times more likely to die
in the first year. One out of four will not see their 5th birthday.

Miss America is majoring in speech communications at PSU.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from speaking in public.

Miss America is 21. Since the U..S. life expectancy for women is 80,
she's still a very young woman.
Miss Afghanistan is also 21. But since the life expectancy for an
Afghan woman is 43, next year she will be "over-the-hill". (Besides
having a shockingly short life expectancy overall, Afghanistan is one
of the only countries in the world in which women have a shorter life
expectancy than men)

Miss America is a beautiful, intelligent woman and everyone knows it.
Miss Afghanistan could be a beautiful, intelligent woman... but nobody
will ever know it.

God Bless Miss America
God Help Miss Afghanistan

WW2BAM_1.jpg (40232 bytes)

Subject: Ever wonder why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit

Why are radical Muslim terrorists so quick to
commit suicide?

Let's look at their lifestyle:

No premarital sex.
No oral sex. Giving or receiving. Never.
No booze. None.
No TV. No cable TV.
No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
No Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you
speak ?!?"
No titty bars.
No organized sports of any kind. That's right --
no sports.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.

Women have to cover up everything!
Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Many camels.
Sand. Fucking sand everywhere!
More sand.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Bar-B-Q's are cooked over burning camel dung
Eating with your right hand only -- because you
wipe your ass with your left hand.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door ...
no wait, is that music? Shit! I can't tell.

Oh, by the way, when you die it all gets better!

ClintonandJesseJackson.jpg (43784 bytes)

Subject: Re: Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore
not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this
matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands
of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states,"My son, sex is definitely play".
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."

smashingosama.jpg (37348 bytes)

Test for Smart People

Read the question, then try to answer---then check your answer by scrolling down!!

































































































































































































































































Health Studies Show

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


Turn up your speaks then open the web site at bottom of this message.

See if you can stare at this website for 60 seconds with your speakers on without laughing.


This is a true test of your close attention to detail!

>Click on the link below and take a few minutes to examine the picture.
if you can find the 1 single thing that is obviously wrong with this picture.

Be patient. It took me a few minutes to finally get it. Once you get it, it's so obvious it's pathetic!!

You DO need sound for this, so make sure you turn up the volume .


A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS.

His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,
"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says,
"We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says,
"And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says,
"We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls."

The kid says,
"And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says,
"We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."


Nice form.... adult


Ok, I heard the only animatronics joke that I have ever heard last night so...

Disney is about to install another animatronic into their hall of presidents.
This one of course is of President George W Bush.
They have an updated design for its mechanism.
This new design has more degrees of freedom than the rest of them...
They say that this new animatronic is more articulate than the President himself...

It is definitely better hearing it than reading it.




Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said,
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket
on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road
 and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,
and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey,
a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


Skinny people piss me off.
 Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat."
Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
In that case, you don't deserve to eat.

I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm.
I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

How many of you have continued dating someone because you were too lazy to
commit suicide?

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had
14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative but I heard from it on Tuesday morning when I genially
proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous
Toning With resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do
it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -
and then marry him.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes
home from work, then I've done my job.

My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news
is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch"

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding me?

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's
34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that shit.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your


Golf is Good


From Wired News, available online at:,1294,51986,00.html

High Holy Day for Potheads 
By Farhad Manjoo 

2:00 a.m. April 20, 2002 PDT

April has two days when many Americans, en masse, engage in something
that's plainly illegal but is, they swear, OK to do anyway because everyone does it and it doesn't hurt a soul and it makes you feel just so very happy.

The first of these days has already passed: April 15, tax day, when
millions of Americans, according to the latest research, fail to pay billions in taxes. The other day is April 20 -- Saturday -- a day when thousands, if not millions, will "mow the grass." That's a polite way of saying that these folks get baked, blitzed, paggered, blazed, obliterated, perved, shmacked ... in other words, they get high, as 4/20 is recognized by many as "national smokers day." 
See also:  -
The Old Mac That Went to Pot  -
How Safe Are Your Illegal Drugs?  -
Healthy Hemp in Hot Peril  -
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The term "420" and its attendant traditions date back to the 1970s,
but at least some evidence exists -- enough to convince any stoner, at least -- that the term has experienced something of a resurgence in our electronic times.

On message boards and community sites across the Web, it's possible to
find people who are "420 friendly," meaning that they'd love to meet you and smoke your dope.

And for such people, 4/20 is the recognized day to get your smoke on.
And especially at 4:20 a.m. or p.m. on 4/20, and especially while listening to Phish. This year, dozens of celebrations are planned across the globe.

In San Francisco, the National Organization for the Reform of
Marijuana Laws, NORML, will finish up its two-day conference "celebrating personal freedom."

"Once again we have scheduled the conference to coincide with '4/20,'
that date that has become associated in the popular culture as a special day for marijuana smokers -- sort of what 'It's Miller time' has become to beer drinkers," the group said on its site. "We hope to build on that tradition and encourage supporters from across the country to join us in San Francisco as a way to celebrate 4/20."

The event comes after a week of attention focused on NORML, which
spent half a million dollars to run ads (PDF) in New York City asking Mayor Michael Bloomberg to fine and ticket -- rather than arrest -- people caught smoking marijuana in the street. The ads feature Bloomberg's response to a New York magazine reporter's query about whether he'd ever used marijuana. The mayor said, "You bet I did. And I enjoyed it."

Given the nature of the celebration, of course, not all of the
scheduled events are so political. Most, it seems, are music festivals that might have been going on anyway, but which promise to have some added pep in honor of the day.

The Web is rife with speculation regarding the origin of the term
"420." An old yarn has it that 420 was a California police code cops used when they'd spotted someone getting high, and that drug users co-opted the word. Some think it has to do with Hitler's birthday, April 20th -- which is, not entirely coincidentally, also the day in 1999 that Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris killed 13 people, and themselves, at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado.

But the consensus opinion has come to rest on a theory put forth by
Steven Hager, the editor of High Times, in the magazine in 1998. Hager told the story of the Waldos, a group of San Rafael High School kids who gave Hager evidence -- letters, and so on -- to show they had created the term 420. 

This is how the term began, according to Hager's article: "One day,
while (the Waldos) were sitting on the wall, a friend gave them a treasure map to a pot patch on nearby Point Reyes Peninsula. 'His brother grew the patch,' said Steve (one of the Waldos).

"The Waldos decided to meet after school and pick the patch. Since
school got out at 3:10, and since some of the Waldos had after-school activities that lasted approximately one hour, someone decided they should meet at exactly 4:20 p.m., at the statue of Louis Pasteur, which was located near the entrance to the school parking lot."

After that, the Waldos -- who have their own site at --
naturally began using 420 as shorthand for cannabis. The Waldos were big fans of the Grateful Dead, and, as Hager explains in his article, "the 420 expression leaked into the Deadhead community and spread from there."

In an e-mail message, Hager said that the Internet further aided the
spread of the term, as "Deadheads were the first big group of Internet users."

Asked what he would be doing to celebrate this year's 4/20, Hager
wrote that he will be "in Magic Meadow, near the top of Overlook Mountain, which is just above Woodstock, New York."

And what will people do after 4/20, when pot day is over? They'll
smoke more, according to one post on the Bay Area Community site, Craigslist.

"A bunch of 420 worshipers who didn't get enough on 4/20 are meeting
at Raleigh's in Berkeley on Telegraph (Avenue at) 5:30 on Sunday," it said. "Come burn in summer with us." 


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went,
husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -the latest Star Wars
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. - - - "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story:
Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after
work one night, when the bar door opened and the most
gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair
and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement
was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's
rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.

Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring,
but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice.

"Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you
have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars.
There's just one condition..."

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition.
The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the
proposition, then reached into her handbag and
took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address
on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed
it into his waiting hand.

She leaned over and whispered into his ear...


"Clean... my... house."


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of
 whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the
 horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the
 horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
 Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
 searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to  town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
 the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the
 chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.

 Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
 arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
 the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
 the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid
 of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

 Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,
 and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
 pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
 too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
 thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
 Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would
 then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
 pulled him up and out, saving his life.

 The moral of the story?
 When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks


Good pics


I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec city, when I
decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied,
so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice
from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I
answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said:

"And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this
was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I am driving east?"

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say:

"Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next
stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"


One Liners

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.


Dennis Miller's rant on the Middle East crisis:

"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a

service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the

story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you

really need.


Don't thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:


The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about


There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word.


Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years.

Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern



Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and

there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by

Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews

took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do

you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep

bond with their lost "land" and "nation."


So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any

more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our

deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's

call them what they are: "Other Arabs Who Rather Than Accomplish

Anything In Life Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive

Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I know that's a bit

unwieldy to expect to see on CNN.


How about this, then:  "Adjacent Jew-Haters."


Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just

one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country

any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp

David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic

lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you

actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun.

No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want:



They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the

real fun is -- but mostly they want Israel. Why?


For one thing, trying to destroy  Israel -- or "The Zionist Entity"

as their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years has allowed

the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own

people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most

illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on G-d's Earth, and if

you've ever been around G-d's Earth, you know that's really saying



It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic

about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast.


Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the

world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that



Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five

million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field,

and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now

these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of

matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news.  Hey,

but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and

the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea?


Oh, that? We were just kidding.


My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just

reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five

million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it.


Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and

dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber and

force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state

into the sea?




Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible.


Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their

bread with the blood of children?  Disgusting.


No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst

Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.


Mr. Bush, G-d bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that

with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our

interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much

as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than

stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs

taken away.


However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of

losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our

president told us and the world he was going to root out all

terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful.


Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent

of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the

same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.


If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we

would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be

done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east

of the Jordan.





Good Idea


Somebody needs to get some bad




The Alternative Italian Dictionary


Subject: RE: Wisdom of Children
Some of these are really great!


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6


You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8


Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8


Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something
to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date.
--Martin, age 10


I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me
in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9


When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them. It's
the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8


I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one
thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9


There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"


Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10


Got Wind


Subject: tee hee

Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. 
I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread on the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
 "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these 
pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, 
then put all these frosted flakes back into the box.


Subject: FW: True Lawyer Story

For all you lawyers (and those who know one).

Think lawyers are smart 

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, 
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having 
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having 
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim 
against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars 
were lost "in a series of small fires." 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the 
man had consumed the cigars in the normal Fashion. 

The lawyer sued....and won! 

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that 
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held 
a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were 
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, 
without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was 
obligated to pay the claim. 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance 
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss 
of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." 


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 
24 counts of ARSON!!!! 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used 
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured 
property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. 

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal 
Lawyers Award Contest 




Subject: Fwd: Hebonics

NEW YORK, February 1 - The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English
 - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. 

Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the 
state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant 
attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics 
professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the 
sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European
language patterns, as well as Yiddish. 
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -
- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, 'How are you?' may be answered, 
'How should I be, with my feet?'" 

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for 
expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word 
with "sh" or shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. 
You want a nosebleed?" 
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, 
with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." 

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the 
sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: 
"Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks." 
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics. 
Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic answer: 
"What am I, a clock?" 

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English response: "Thanks." 
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!" 
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English response: "Be right there." 
Hebonic response: "All right already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?" 

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time." 
English response: "Glad you like it." 
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I 
gave you? 
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English response: "Congratulations!" 
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds." 

To guest of honor at his birthday party: English remark: "Happy birthday." 
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become." 
Remark: "A beautiful day." English response: "Sure is." Hebonic response: 
"So the sun is out; what else is new?" 

Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a long time 
since you called." 
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" 




How to settle spousal arguments


Conjugal Visits


This explains airport pages


Kinda cool




Ask to see the steak before its cooked


Did your co-worker really want a response to that question?



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