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Just humor me dammit
Ok, new idea, as I add new jokes et al,
I will link bookmarks
to them so you can skip the old stuff
4/24/02 5/17/02
7/13/02
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a
brand new tennis
ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change.
A girl--a blonde--standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his
shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "That must be painful....
I had tennis elbow once........"
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General
Janet Reno were having one of
those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you
don't
have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill,
and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "just because I am esthetically challenged (that's
"politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off
unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
Subject:Downsizing!
PRESS RELEASE
IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be
more productive.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right
down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if
seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for
several years, decided
they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the
Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of
her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put
the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two
men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said,
"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how
was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked,
"How's that?"
"Well, said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted
and flew out the window!"
Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"
(The Women's section follows)
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the
lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its
balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its
'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas
trees you have
had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic
electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial
one in the
closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up
underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw
it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other
Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all
day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and
throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.
SOME INTERESTING QUESTIONS, UH, CONUNDRUMS
(CONUNDRA?)...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train
stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it
with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with
fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what,
exactly, is a
fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door
is when I'm in
the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw
hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they
are in charge
of everything outdoors?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
Subject: Virus Alert
IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL ENTITLED Badtimes, DELETE IT
IMMEDIATELY!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPEN OR READ IT. This one is EXTREMELY
DANGEROUS.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but
it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of
your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the
tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness
settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybuttonfuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate
behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend
behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to
your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things
in a way that is fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and
Tinnitus.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your
active verbs to passive tense and incorporating
undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
interpretation of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows
95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave
your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim
milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,
causing it to smell like the B.O. of that gross person
nobody liked in high school.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and
terrifying to behold.
These are just a few signs of infection.
FORWARD THIS URGENT INFORMATION TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW
IMMEDIATELY!!!
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut,
thanks the barber, and
asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father,
you're a holy man,
a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the
house." The
priest says "Thank you very much" and leaves. The
next day, magically
appearing on the doorstep the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a
shine, and
when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money,
please, you're a
spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the
house." The next
day magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes
to pay, and
the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a
wise man, I can't
take any money from you, go in peace." And the next
day, magically
appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,
we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the
average life
span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not
just from
all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone
modifies
behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think
that all
the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we
met you?
Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at
not
getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of
photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for
later
reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it
into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN
PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make
him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just
an added
bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our
partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time
you open
it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy
it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing
in so much
of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to
understand that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share
how we feel
when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing
some
extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on
our foot, we
have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache
whenever I try
to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We
oblige
you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can
stand
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...
Need go
roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now
sitting on
our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole
other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by
evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of
time without
getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary
to sit in
one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for
prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very
extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their
progeny. The
fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers
etc. The end
result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be
self-sufficient. To
say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need
you. Most
men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit
to one's
own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY
KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's
a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually
still
works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single
one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or
that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save
the energy
for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much.
Besides, we
know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our
way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or
not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for
extended
periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just
want
to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend
hours and
hours to look at things we have no intention of killing?
Err... buying?
The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their
teacher wanted
them to be more grown up since they were no longer in
kindergarten.
She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
She
then asked them to tell her what they did during the
summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your
Grandmother. Use
the grown-up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a
choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on
a train.
That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did
during the
summer.
He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book
he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult
way replied,
"Winnie the Shit."
A man returned home from work one day to find his
wife sitting on the
curb with her suitcase beside her.
"What are you doing?", he asked.
"I'm leaving you," she replied.
"Why?!", the man inquired.
"I just realized that I can make $400 a night doing
what I do with
you for free," she answered.
The man went into the house and returned a few minutes
later with a
suitcase and sat down on the curb beside her.
"Now, what are you doing?", she asked.
"I'm going with you," he replied. "I want to
see how you're going
to live on $800 a year."
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some
distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance
from town, when the
girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm
actually a hooker
and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat
looking out the
window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm
actually a taxi
driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Chinese Wedding Night
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the
wedding
night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring,
I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you,
I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you
want?"
"I wanna numma 69" she replies.
"You wanna beef with
bloccolli???"
Face lift
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He
spends $5,000
and feels really good about the results. On his way home he
stops
at a newsstand and buys a
paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I
hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"
was the
reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling
really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks
the order taker the same question, to which the reply is,
"Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47". This makes him feel really
good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the
same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my
eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls
for ten minutes,
I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was
no one around,
the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand
down his
pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's
done.
You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was
brilliant!
How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in
McDonalds."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a
gynecologist. The doctor took one
look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the
window. He
immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the
doctor began
to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, do you know
what I'm doing?
Yes, she replied, you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological
abnormalities. That is right, said the doctor. He then
began to fondle her
breasts. Do you know what I'm doing now? he asked. Yes, the
woman said,
you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. Correct,
replied the shady
doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, Do you know what I'm doing
now? Yes, she
said. You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in
the first place.
A mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard
the train stop and her son said,
"All of you sons of bitches who want to get
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the
last stop! And all you sons of
bitches who are returning and want
to get on, get your asses on the train now,
cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and
her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now go to your
room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may go back and play
with your train, but only if you
use nice language." Two hours later, the boy
came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the
train stopped and the mother heard her
son say "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon.
She hears the little boy continue,
For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have
a pleasant and relaxing journeywith us today."
Then, the child added, "Andfor those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in
the kitchen."
WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the
bus is
interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the
memory makes
your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has
an error to
report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and
the
double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and
your data is
corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your
situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says
the network
is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets
want to
tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by
the printer
down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side
effects of
gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may
as well reboot and go hang out with a bang, 'cause as sure
as I'm a
poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the
microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you
have to flash
your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.. Quickly turn
off the
computer and be sure to tell your mom!
(Author Unknown)
Top ten unusual comments on Monica Lewinsky's
Intern Performance Report
10. Truly an eager beaver
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills; has never missed a
period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In Box" is always clean & shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
And the #1 Comment............
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale!
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up,
and no one is
there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little
snail sitting on the
doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street
into a field.
Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens
it up and
no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a
little snail
sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the fuck was that all
about?"
Subject: Things a woman should say but won't.
THINGS A WIFE JUST WON'T SAY
(but would in a perfect world)
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p****!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're
hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than
go
shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out
women's
asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish
you had
time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again,
come
see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you
please try
again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing
and buy
yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year
for
christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a
wonderful
stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a
pack of
beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a
threesome!
21. Not the f*cking mall again, come on let's go to that
new
strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why
don't you
retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up
for the
night feedings.
24. ....if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna
bust!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles
behind my
ears for you!
Dr. Suess Meets Fornigate
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
Medical Studies have shown that in the White House,
you not only can get
AIDS from sex, but you can get sex from aides.
And, finally........
Q: What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing
President Clinton's latest State of the Union speech?
A: You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever
was.
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when a
rowdy crowd from New York City showed up.
Being somewhat skeptical, Saint Peter said he would have to
check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit them,
as they were for better or worse, still all his children.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless
and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked
God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly
Gates!"
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft
Lewis, and an Army guy
driving from Ft. Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the
night with no other
cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars
go flying off in
different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and
surveys the damage. He
looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really
lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at
his wreckage. He
too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this
wreck!" The Army guy
walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I
think this is a sign
from God that we should put away our petty differences and
live as friends
instead of arch rivals" The Air Force guy thinks for a
moment and says, "You
know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now
I'm gonna see what
else survived this wreck."
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full,
unopened bottle of
Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this
is another sign from God
that we should toast to our new found understanding and
friendship" The Army
guy says, " You're damn right!" and he grabs the
bottle and starts sucking
down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the
bottle the Army guy
hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your
turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and
says, "Nahh, I think
I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Presidential Jokes
What is the favorite game at the Whitehouse these days?
Swallow the
leader.
The difference between Fornigate & Watergate is that we
didn't know
who "Deepthroat" was in Watergate.
This just in...Bill Clinton is willing to settle the
Lewinsky case.
Though the President will admit to no wrongdoing, he is
willing to pay
for Monica Lewinsky's dry cleaning.
In a survey of over 500 woman, when asked if they would
make love to
the President, 83% of them responded "Never
again."
What's the difference between Bill Clinton & the
Titanic? At least we
know how many people went down on the Titanic.
What did Arafat say to Clinton last night? "Sheep
don't talk, my
friend."
What did Clinton say when he heard Monica Lewinsky talking
to the
press? "Now she opens her mouth!"
Famous presidential quotes:
-"Ich bin ein Berliner." --John F Kennedy
-"I'm not a crook!" --Richard Nixon
-"Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev." --Ronald
Reagan
-"Read my lips!" --George Bush
-"Suck my dick!" --William J Clinton
What's the best thing about being a female White
House intern? All of
the "hands on" experience!
Does this mean "BUSH" will finally defeat
Clinton?
This is day three of Jailbate-gate for President Clinton,
or as they
are calling him now, the
Unabanger.
Only President Clinton could divert attention from a sex
scandal with
another sex scandal.
Hillary's new book is entitled "It takes a Village to
Keep an Eye on
My Husband."
The President said "a year & a half affair with
Lewinsky would have
been impossible; I would have become bored & cheated on
her after six
months."
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't
give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
What do Monica Lewinsky & Bob Dole have in common? They
were both
upset when Bill finished first.
What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out
of town.
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex
life. It
seems that today he finally admitted that he had sex with
Jennifer
Flowers a couple of times... but he didn't come.
"One thing's for sure about Clinton... he sure doesn't
neglect
domestic affairs!"
What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A girl that
can run
faster than the Governor.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks
the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
And last but not least, from Dennis Miller last
friday:
"Clintons aids are kicking themselves for not asking
more questions
about Bill's "fool proof" plan for diverting
attention away from the
Paula Jones scandal"
Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who
lived by a peaceful
pond. One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob -
the duck who
was in charge of the pond.
The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked at the
ground.
Bob asked, "What's your name?"
The little duck replied, "Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered
Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against
the rules.
You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck
waddled away.
The second duck approached Bob. "What's your
name?" Bob asked. The
little duck replied, "Duck, Duck."
"Why did you get sent to me?" Bob asked.
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered
Duck Duck.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against
the rules.
You're suspended from the pond for one week." Duck
Duck waddled away.
Now Bob was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a
pattern.
When the third little duck waddled up to him
Bob said, "Let me guess. You're Duck, Duck,
Duck?"
"No," replied the little duck. "I'm
Bubbles."
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY
EacH WeEK.
theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".
What if President Clinton held summit meetings on
AOL?
PrezBubba: {{{{{{{{{{{{{Boris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
DRUNKBORIS: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
PrezBubba: What's up?
DRUNKBORIS: nmh
DRUNKBORIS: How's the knee?
PrezBubba: They may have to amputate
PrezBubba: ----------just kidding
DRUNKBORIS: lol
PrezBubba: BTW, are you going to join NATO or not?
DRUNKBORIS: no
PrezBubba: :(
PrezBubba: age/sex check
DRUNKBORIS: 66/m
PrezBubba: 51/m
PrezBubba: come on...join NATO
DRUNKBORIS: I WILL NOT JOIN NATO!!!
PrezBubba: k
PrezBubba: No need to yell
PrezBubba: What about arms reduction?
PrezBubba: well
PrezBubba: ?
PrezBubba: you there?
DRUNKBORIS: ----sorry
DRUNKBORIS: I got an IM from some borscht belt babe
PrezBubba: kewl
PrezBubba: was she looking for some cyber?
DRUNKBORIS: No...just complaining about the rampant
unemployment!
Asking ME to do something about it!
DRUNKBORIS: g
PrezBubba: LMAO
PrezBubba: So are you gonna lose the jukes?
DRUNKBORIS: jukes?
PrezBubba: oops...
PrezBubba: nukes
DRUNKBORIS: yeah, sure...why not. :)
PrezBubba: wtg, Boris!
DRUNKBORIS: {{{{{{{Bill}}}}}}}
PrezBubba: ---feels very diplomatic right now
DRUNKBORIS: o.k. are we done cuz i wanna go to The Best Lil
Chathouse now
PrezBubba: guess so...I'm going to AskFemaleAnything
DRUNKBORIS: you're sick!
PrezBubba: ;)
DRUNKBORIS: anyway, cya
PrezBubba: peace, out
It's the Spring of 1955 and Bobby goes to pick up
his date. He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Susan's
not ready
yet, so why don't you have a seat?" "That's
cool," said Bobby.
Susan's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to
the soda
shop or a movie.
Susan's father replies, "Why don't you two go out and
screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes
as a quite a
surprise to Bobby so he asks Susan's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah,
Susan really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we
let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan
for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes
later,
Susan comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces
that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date
out
the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Susan rushes back into the house,
slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
The Top 25 World's Shortest Books:
25. "Things I wouldn't do for Money" by Dennis
Rodman
24. Human Rights Advances in China
23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen
20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ
Simpson
19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit - A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art
Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
and the Number One World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Well did ya?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window!
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair
under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the second
day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like
some fries." The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries
with that?"
Jay Leno
I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna
know your name..."
Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human
intelligence long
enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candle
light
George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to
the
Salvation Army instead.
They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy
it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel
Phone Messages
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
the
world famous International Institute of Answering Machine
Answers.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon
as we're
finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to
right
... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get
back to you.
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the
middle of it,
his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time?
Alas no,
his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou
must leave
a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine
is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are
you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to.
If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy*
message, I
call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message
to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering
machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her
calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it
up to the phone.'
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot
tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and
number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a
telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll
think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the
phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise,
we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower
and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored
for later
use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound
of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However,
our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near
future to
further explain the benefits of our service and to arrange
for your schedule of
payments.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank
you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be
used by us.
Here's some more stuff .
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new
house in the
Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard
last week:
Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.
Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls
are free
for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?
Bill: Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We
think it's a
little smaller than we anticipated.
Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out
by the
release date.
Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there.
Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a
new,
larger living room; or you can use Stacker.
Bill: Stacker?
Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much
furniture into
the room. By stacking it, of course. You put the
entertainment center
on the couch, the chairs on the table, etc. You leave an
empty spot,
so when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack
what you need
and then put it back when you're done.
Bill: Uh...I dunno. The second issue is the light fixtures.
The bulbs
we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads
run the
wrong way.
Contractor: Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and
play.
You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.
Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?
Contractor: Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical
system.
Bill: You're kidding!
Contractor: Nope. Its the only way.
Bill: sighWell, I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I
have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't
stop. The
water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work.
Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture
fails to
terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access
from other
fixtures.
Bill: And how do I fix that?
Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit
the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter
the house
and then you'll be back on track.
Bill: That's the last straw. What kind of product are you
selling me?
Contractor: Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody
made you buy
it.
Bill: And when will this be fixed?
Contractor: Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to
release
sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out
earlier this
year, but we've had some delays..
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured
by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live
if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest
and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went
separate
ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to
the king, "I
brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial
to him. "You
have to shove the fruits up your butt without any
expression on your
face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in...
but on the
second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The
second one arrived
and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained
the trial
to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he
burst out
in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second
guy met in
heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you
almost got away
with it?" The second one replied,
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."
Email from Steve,
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs
on this
group and I am aware that a small number of things are
perhaps sheer
fabrication,but I have a story to tell that is the absolute
truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.
A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's
Steakhouse
for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that
macaroni and
beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week
that it is
served.
Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete
with Dizzy
the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the
little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little
connection
to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a
moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the
all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the
front of the restaurant as
possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit.
Then I
started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of
macaroni and
beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four
heaping plates
of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I
was sated.
Perhaps a bit too much, however. I had not really been
feeling well
all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had
eaten
four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.
There was so much
pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble
breathing. At the
same time, the downward pressure was building. At irst, I
thought it
was only gas which could have been passed in atche sight at
the table
without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it
was clear
that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing
how grease
can make its way through your intestines far faster than
the food
which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom.
Upon
entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two
urinals
just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls
against the
back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now,
normally I would
have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch
out a bit
when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock
was broken
and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to
stop
cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wirecutters is
having
someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to
the normal
stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large,
handicapped
stall even though the door would not lock because that bit
of time
lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long
under the
circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular
stall, the
pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move." For those women who may be
reading this, let me
take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know
exactly what their
bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time
comes to empty the
cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can
not be stopped
under any circumstances. There is a move men make that
involves
simultaneously approaching the toilet,
beginning the body turn to position ones ass
toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones
waistline, and
pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the
same time. It is a
very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in
the flawless
expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is
properly
placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures
that the
choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet
in the event
that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is
truly a picture of
coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I
looked down at the floor
and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled
by one of
those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded
up in the
corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into
the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing,
but I had
eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that
I hit a
rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex
started, combined
with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated
stomach, four
plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a
rematch. What
happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of
events are a
bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I
can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my
attention was
diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a
freeze frame
on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet,
pants pulled
down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my
esophagus. Now,
most of you know that vomiting takes precidence over shit
no matter
what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is
apparently an
evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but
vomiting
takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not
aspirate
any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to
death.
My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second,
my ass
exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you
know, as in a
newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed
In Wake of
Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to
be most
suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit
the consistancy of
thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came
flying out of
my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the
toilet at that
moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an
angle in
relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it
ricocheted off
the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle
of
incidence equal to the angle at which it initally hit the
toilet
seat. Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occured, I was already half-way
to
sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no
return. I have always
considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but
when you
get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how
limber
you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of
considerable force,
was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the
toilet seat
and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see
when
hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even
though you
throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no
water is left
to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit
remaining
on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just
collapsed
upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on
its way
up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my
mouth had
filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I
had just
consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do
when
vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still
sitting on the
toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me
placing my
head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in
between my knees and
waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled
down to a
point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I
mention that I
was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on
the
ankles.
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef,
two or
three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were
deposited in
my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom
down by my
feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts,
a couple
of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there
with my
pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had
bounced off the
toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height
of about
five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me,
covering
the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All
while thick shit
was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape
of a toilet
seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a
complete maniac
to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually
asked if
I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded
like I was
crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him
if he would
get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring
some toilet
paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet
paper with
him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I
simply told
him that there was no way I was going to explain what was
happening
in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I
needed him to
go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were
sitting and he
left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that
I had
pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly
benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not
knowing
what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her
voice. I
explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting
out
words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help.
Knowing that I had
experienced some close calls in the past, she probably
assumed that I
had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to
bring the
car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her,
I'm sure
she had no idea that she was about to go across the street
and
purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new
shirt, and (by
that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic
ankles thingies)
new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I
was still
laughing. She began to ask for an explination as to what
had happened
when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I
just needed to
handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels
and a few
dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon
which he
assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to
be
cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained
that what
was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of
what I would
expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks
working at Ryan's
making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment,
I think it
dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then
that manager went
so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally
grateful for his
actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile
walls and
tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in
order to
make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial
bathroom. He
hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as
I began
cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was
finishing, my
wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the
stall,
whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the
plastic bag
that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I
finished
cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes,
still stuck
in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste
to go out
of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be
standing
there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that
point, I
had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and
intended
to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and
cleaned up
the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain
in the
center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of
the
bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him
for all
he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management
staff were
there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started
laughing so hard
that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed
to scurry
out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up
by the
front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating
dinner at
Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest
management staff of
any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Steve Crisp
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he
comes upon a
small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an
ancient Chinese
man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the
man. "Can you put me up
for the night?" Certainly," the Chinese man said,
"but on one
condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I
will inflict upon you the three
worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, (thinking that the daughter
must be pretty old as
well),and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came
down the
stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body.
She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep
her eyes off
him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he
ignored her
and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it
no longer
and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man
wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room,
exhausted but
happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes
he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that
read,"Chinese Torture
1:Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty
crappy," he thought. "If
that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much
to worry
about."He picked the boulder up, walked over to the
window and threw
the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on
it that
read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was
already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better
than
castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he
plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the
ground that
read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed
post."
The Van Gogh Family Tree:
After much careful research, it has been discovered that
the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please
Gogh
His dizzy aunt
.....................................Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate
prunes..........................Gotta
Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience
store.......Stopn
Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue
Gogh
The cousin from
Illinois............................Chica
Gogh
His magician
uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican
cousin..................................Amee
Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin
Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach
.................Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant
Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan
Gogh
The bird lover
uncle................................Flamin
Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man
Gogh
An aunt who taught positive
thinking................Wayto
Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Po Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie
Bay Gogh
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Answers:
Ronald Reagan:
I don't recall.
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the
road, and there was
much rejoicing.
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why?
The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there
was.
O.J.:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep
him down.
Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A. Police Department:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did not cross
the road.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads without having their motives called into question.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my
omelette.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
juncture, and,
therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into
being.
Mulder (of X Files) :
It was a government conspiracy.
Scully (of X Files) :
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly
found in
chickens.
Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in
such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to
cross roads.
Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" but
is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time
whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
ever think to
ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the
place anyway?"
The Pope:
That is only for God to know.
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told
us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
enough for
us.
George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he
was crossing
the road of his own free will, when he was really only
serving their
interests.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
Allen Ginsburg:
I saw the best chickens of my generation destroyed by
madness, crossing
roads wildly, laughing hysterical naked.....
Bill Clinton:
I categorically deny all allegations that I had sex with
the chicken.
A rather attractive woman
goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the
barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively
signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does
so, she begins to gently caress
his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?"
she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he
replies.
"Can you get him for me - I
need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and
into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't"
breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to
give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no
toilet paper in the ladies room."
Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say
things like, "You know,
sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my
address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, you
don't deserve to
eat.
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found
my diaphragm. I
had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
How many of you have continued dating someone because you
were too lazy to
commit suicide?
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills - she had
14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.
They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our
bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative but I heard from it on Tuesday morning
when I genially
proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine
o'clock class in Vigorous
Toning With resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen, bitch, do
it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing -
and then marry him.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my
husband comes
home from work, then I've done my job.
My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad
news. The good news
is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a
bitch"
I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too
much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too
fast. Are they
kidding me?
I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that
nobody that's
34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that shit.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to
each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and
then."
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your
neck?"
And we sometimes wonder why technicians are so
irritable...maybe it's
because of the technically challenged...
The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street
Journal article.
These are actual customer "problems" taken by
technical support
personnel at various computer manufacturers:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press
Any Key" to"Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where
the
"Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that
"her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on". The
"dust cover" turned out
to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from
his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat
failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had
labeled the
diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the
labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her
defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the
customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his
troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech
to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting
up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by
holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the
"send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all
the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who
was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing
documents. He
told the technician that the computer had said it
"couldn't find
printer". The user had also tried turning the computer
screen to
face the printer -but that his computer still couldn't
"see" the
printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support
couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the
computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed
on this foot
pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal"
turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked
"What powerswitch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire
SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am
within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my
computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's
because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade
show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on
it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know
anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X'on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the
load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the
drive!
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software
and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It
said to put in
the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When
it said to
put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..."
The user hadn't
realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove
Disk 1 first.
14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the
instructions
for installing software. The instructions said to remove
the disk from
it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had
physically removed
the casing of the disk and wondered why there were
problems.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a
rancher sitting on his
porch
with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: This dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it
goin?
Horse: Cool.
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from
the elements.
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to
talk)...... Them
sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a
lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that
in order
to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was
the name of the
ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie
about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring Heaven
didn't REALLY
need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to make the
question a little harder: "How many people died on the
ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie
and
answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
and the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh to high
heaven."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and
sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor
thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth
unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that
none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and
sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its
strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to
another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is
very
strong."
And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth
unto them, "It promotes growth and is very
powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth
unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the
growth and efficiency
of this Company, and these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Company
Policy.
This Is How Shit Happens.
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice
on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let
him think you are a
pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the
opposite
advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most
elegant suit and
tie. "
Confused, the man went to a philosopher, told him of the
conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a
story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother
what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long,
flannel nightgown
that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her
best friend, she
got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with
a V neck
right down to your navel.'" The man protested:
"What does all this have to do
with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get
screwed."
And the best newspaper headlines of 1997 are:
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide
21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for
dinner. During
the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how
attractive and
shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if
there was more
between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the
eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest
volunteered "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my
relationship
with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly
priest and
said "Father, ever since the young Father came to
dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose
he took it, do you?"
The priest said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him
a letter just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Father. I'm not saying that you 'did' take a
gravy ladle from my
house, and I'm not saying that you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But
the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were
here."
Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter
from the
young priest which read:
"Dear Father. I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
your housekeeper
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper.
But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you
would have found the gravy ladle by now."
In Ireland, Pat is not feeling very well and he
decides
to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's
reception room,
a nun comes out of the doctor's office.
She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor:
"I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely
terrible.
I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is
pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her
hiccups."
*** Surgeons operate to remove two tongues from
farmer
Chinese surgeons operated on a man to remove two of his
three tongues
so that he can eat and speak normally for the first time in
20 years,
Xinhua news agency said. Xian Shihua, a 32-year-old farmer
from the
southwestern province of Sichuan, was born with one tongue,
but a
second, smaller one grew when he was five years old, and
later a
third, the official agency said Sunday. "His largest
tongue was 13
inches long, 6 inches wide, and 4.4 inches thick, while the
other two
were 3.6 inches long and of varying widths and
thickness," the report
added. The operation, carried out at the Southwest Military
Hospital
in Chongqing, enabled Xian to speak normally to family and
friends and
to go off the liquid diet that he had subsisted on since
childhood.
Deep Thoughts
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?
11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you
to do it?
12. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
instead of "asteroids"?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?
18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of
that song?
19. What happens when none of your bees wax?
20. Where are we going? And what's with this
handbasket?
21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged
during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home,
why doesn't
everyone just move 10 miles away?
FIRST FROG
The President takes the day off work to elude the press
corps and
Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip
away
from the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at
a small public
course in Maryland. He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog
sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is
about to
shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 iron"
The President looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
puts his
other club away, and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10
inches from
the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be
a lucky frog,
eh?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The
President decides to take
the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think
frog?" the
President asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
Bill takes out a 3 wood and Wham! Hole in one. The
President is
befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the
President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks
the frog,
"OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to
Andrews AFB, fire
up Air Force One, file for clearance direct to Las Vegas,
and arrive at
4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino. Bill says, "OK
frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette
table, the President asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. $300,000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
golf game,
Clinton figures what the heck. Whoosh! Tons of cash comes
sliding
back across the table. The President takes his winnings and
the his new
buddy, First Frog, and heads back to DC.
Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval
Orifice ..er,
Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me
all this money and I, and the Democratic National
Committee, are
forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." Bill figures
why not, since
after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog
turns into a gorgeous 21-year-old girl named Monica.
"And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my
office."
LIZ'S PRAYER....(Sent by a friend...who knows her
well .. VEG)
Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details
beginning
tomorrow at 7:41:23 am,
e.s.t.
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of
them
AR hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even
though
they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need
some
help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it
EXACTLY
right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially
laughter,
parties, and dancing.
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that
correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird! --
ing at time.
God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the
rest.
And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may
be.
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second
thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down
andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
Top 10 Signs You're Suffering from Burnout
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone,
"Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you
immediately scream, "Get off my back, Bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back
to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to
pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your
briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in
jail right now.
A police officer pulls over a little red sports car
for speeding. He
walks up to the car and the first thing he notices is how
gorgeous the
driver is. She's a drop dead blonde, the works, just
gorgeous!
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see
your driver's
license?"
"License . . . ???" The blonde looks confused.
"It's usually in your wallet," replies the
officer. After fumbling
for a few minutes, the driver manages to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asks the cop.
"Registration, . . . . hmmmm. What's that?" asks
the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," says
the cop impatiently.
After more fumbling, she finds the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and
walks back to his squad
car.
The officer runs a routine check on the license and
registration, and
the dispatcher comes back all excited:
"Is this woman driving a red sports car?" he
asks.
"Yes," answers the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asks the
dispatcher.
"Uh . . . yes" replies the cop. "Here's what
you do" says the
dispatcher.
"Give her back her stuff, stand back and drop your
pants."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaims
the cop.
"Trust me; just do it," says the dispatcher.
So the cop returns to the blonde, hands back the license
and
registration, and drops his pants as instructed.
The blonde rolls up her eyes and sighs, "Oh no! Not
ANOTHER
breathalyzer!"
This little boy goes to his dad and asks,
"What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the
administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here
to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now,
think
about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled
his diaper. So the
little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother
sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think
politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is
screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored and
the Future is in Deep Shit!
THE LAWYER AND THE BLONDE
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a
long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she
would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap so
she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really
easy and a lot
of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the
answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and
tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will
easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer:
"What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out
his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone
with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows.
All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a
word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.
"COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS"
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who
decided not to
fly south for the winter. Soon, the weather turned so cold
that he reluctantly
started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on
his wings and
he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The
sparrow thought it
was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his
wings. Warm and
happy, and able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping,
investigated the
sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping
bird, and
promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your
enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not
necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your
mouth shut.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. (He
hates that.)
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when
it's open.
It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to
have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people
appear bright
until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know
that the
battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds"
fee on money they
already know you don't have?
Why are there 5 syllables in "monosyllabic"?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but
always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what
is the opposite of "progress"?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but
dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the 'self-help'
section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers,
why are they
still working?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20
ft below sea
level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he
had on
no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes
later,
the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalk-and-board
set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay
under this deep
without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both presidents were shot on a Friday.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in
1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in
1939
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And the clincher is:
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was In Marilyn Monroe.
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom
for 30 years with only
apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for
sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this
legendary figure.
Deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered
Tarzan vigorously
thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a
while. Finally,
overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out
into the open
and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and
gave her a big
kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that
for?"
He replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels!"
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a
cigar
but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he
had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf
bag
and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get
that
monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The
friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will
you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops
back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a
million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a
million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch
bic?"
A man goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having a
nightmare. The man wakes his son and asks him if he is OK?
The son replies that he is scared because he dreamt that
Auntie Susie had
died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine
and sends him to
bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to
wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man
again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that
granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and
sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to
wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man
again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy
had died. The
father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to
bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so
terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he
is going to
die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work
fearful of a
collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of
food poisoning. He
avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.
He jumps at every
noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
At the end of a very
painfully long day, he again drives slowly home.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.
"Good God Dear" he
proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire
life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman
dropped dead on the
doorstep this morning".
Before you get married maybe you should get a dog
instead. Here are some good reasons from a friend with experience:
1) Dogs don't cry
2) Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3) Dogs find it amusing when you're drunk.
4) Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
5) A Dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick
drink.
6) Dogs don't expect you to call if you're running late.
The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
7) Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
8) Dogs are excited by rough play.
9) Dogs don't mind if you give away their offspring.
10) Dogs don't get headaches. If they do, they'll still
play.
11) Anyone can get a good looking dog.
12) If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
13) Dogs don't shop.
14) Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the
floor.
15) A dog's disposition is the same all month.
16) Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
17) A dog's parents never visit.
18) Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were
made to be hunted.
19) When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you
incessantly you can shoot it.
20) No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
21) Dogs never expect gifts.
22) You never have to wait for a dog. They are ready to go
24 hours a day.
23) Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
24) Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking
for directions.
25) Dogs don't care what time you go to bed.
26) A dog is always glad to see you !
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken
to the
hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death
experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God
says no and explains she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital
and have
a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy
tuck.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She
figures
she's got another 30 or 40 years, so she might as well
make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and
is
killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God
again
and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40
years?"
God replies: "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
A Californian, a Coloradan, and an Texan, attending
a convention in a
little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a
seedy bar enjoying
a few drinks.
The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back
in one gulp,
then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it
to pieces. He
told the other startled drinkers that the standard of
living was so high
in California that they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next the Texan finished drinking his Marguerita, and threw
HIS glass
against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas
not only were
they all rich from oil, but they had so much sand that
glass was cheap
and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Coloradan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and
shot the
Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to
his holster, he
told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so
many Texans and
Californians that they never had to drink with the same
ones twice.
A nun got into a cab. During the ride she noticed
that the driver was
staring at her. When she asked him why he said, "I
want to ask you
something, but I don't want to offend you." She said,
"You can't
offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard
just
about everything."
The cab driver said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy
to have a nun
give me a blow job."
She said, "Well ... perhaps we can work something out.
But ... You
have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately, the cab driver said, "Oh, YES!! I'm
single and I'm
Catholic!"
The nun said, "OK, pull into that alley," and he
did. She did her
thing and they were on the street again. Shortly
afterwards, the cab
driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister I have sinned. I lied, I
lied ...I'm
married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm
on my way to a
costume party!!"
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices
the other guy has
a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in
your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and
I tripped
over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man
in a turban
came oozing out.
He said, "I am a Genie. I can grant you one
wish."
And I said, "No shit!"
A guy named Chris goes over to his
friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you
have the
greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a
hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self,
what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all
the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one.
Chris
promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They
are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them.
I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see
both of them together."
Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell,
opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris
thanks
her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he
can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife
says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came
over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?"
"Infidelity"
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and
ordered a
triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he
remarked, "That's quite
a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies "I
got home and
found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the
man a second triple.
"No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple
is on the house." As
the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him
"What did you
do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man
replies, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her
stuff and get the
hell out."
"That makes sense." said the bartender, "but
what about your best
friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him
right in the eye
and said 'BAD DOG!'"
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to
buy a mare.
He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare
inside a
small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I
have a
look at your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer,"come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops,
says
to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her
eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show
him
the mare's eyes.
"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like
thith horth,
I think I want to buy thith
horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn
asking
the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and
exclaiming,
"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like
thith horth, I
think I want to buy thith
horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage
because
the dwarf is quite heavy.
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her
twat. her
twat, I want to see her twat!"
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him
head
first into the mare's backside.
He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off
to
talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes
back and
extracts the dwarf from his predicament,
"SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I
better
wephrase that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"
The Pope dies and naturally, goes to heaven. He's
met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told
that he can enjoy
any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he
wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy
Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down
in
the library and begins to pore over every version of the
Bible,
working back from the most recent "Easy Reading"
to the original
script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The angels
come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a
chair,
crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'!" They
left out the
'R'. God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him
what
the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs
again,
"It's the letter 'R'...the word was supposed to be
"CELEBRATE"!
Even if these aren't true, they are still fun!!
Enjoy! Tony
Further proof that the gene pool needs some purification,
and these are
some ways of attaining the goal.
THE DARWIN AWARDS (New as of 02/10/98) are given every year
to bestow upon
(the remains of) those individuals, who through
single-minded
self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the
human gene pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
-----------------------------------
(#1) Los Angeles, CA.
Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees
nest from a shed
on their property with the aid of a "pineapple."
A pineapple is an illegal
firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half
stick of
dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their
home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.
The concussion
of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously
lacerating Ani.
Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out
to go to a
nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was
stung three
times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was
allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to
the hospital.
(#2) Queensland, Australia
A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat
train and was
dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being
slammed into a pylon
at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for
help. The
Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion,
64, were driving
along the Newell
Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on
Wednesday night,
police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully
laden, 600 meter
long train at a level crossing. The vehicle became wedged
between the
second to last and last carriages and was dragged sideways
beside the track
as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman
said. After
being carried more than a
kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge
with a 10 meter
drop, he spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the
precipice, the
car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and the
car spun
several times. When it came to a rest, the pair managed to
escape (Volvo?)
with minor
bruising and the man set off along the railway line for
help. But he
slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the
spokeswoman said. The
woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was
recovering in Moree
hospital with chest injuries.
#3) Minneapolis, MN
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in
Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of
Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the
more traditional
revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(#4) Phillipsburg, NJ.
An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he
had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I
didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as
"Ginger" said, adding, "He was really
drunk."
(#5) Windsor, Ont.,
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel
Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
1.Bradford, PA,
In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his
yard. As a joke
he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his
wife. She opened
the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it.
The excited and,
as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe
on the shin. Mr
Cruwe
survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the
local emergency
room.
2. Carbon County, PA
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking
beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by
Irving Michaels,
age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering
by, but the
beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the
estimated 35 shots the
group fired, the
animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some
100 feet away from
Mr. Michaels deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr.
Michaels
retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe,
intending to
smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts
to ignite the
fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down
the pipe and tried
to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by
wildlife, the
determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first
approximately 15 feet
down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent
rapidly expanding
fireball propelled Mr.
Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher
rate of speed.
He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile
leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was
launched
directly over his own home, right over the heads of his
astonished friends,
onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet
through the air.
"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew
over us," McFadden
reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly,
he suffered only minor
injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels
said, "Like when they
shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it
again if I was sure
I wouldn't get hurt."
Subject: Periodic Table of Elements Addition
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg but known to vary from
40-200 kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious specimens in all populated areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered by a painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of
precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or
apparent reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly
when saturated
with alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental
2. Can be great aid to relaxation
3. Civilizing effect on bachelor environments
4. Distribution of wealth
TESTS:
1. Unadorned specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can
be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come
into direct contact
with each other.
With this time of year again, thot you might enjoy
this!!
Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention
that needs no
polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story.
This is one of
those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the
midst of last year's
weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and
credits. We
believe the letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank
you. I have
questioned whether these are my children or not for years.
They are evil &
expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and
not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing
me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to
expect over the
next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me
and reinstate the
deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed
to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be
a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While
you mull that
over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at
the moment, so
you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
Department of Defense
funds to fix the vehicle
or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses
all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt
it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and
in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May
I suggest that
you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle
on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His
eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself
one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I
was awakened at
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and
his friends
were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him
delivered to the
local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a
dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big
deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as
he is sitting
out a few days of school
after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing
your phone
number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his
friends have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it
will be much
more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any
of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles,
or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and
appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going
on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately
you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked On Phonics
is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can
buy it yourself
for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite
obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two)
so they have
helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys
in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't.
The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a
refreshing exican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards,
pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure
that you can handle
it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I
think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than
find out what
it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair
you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest. I still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two
oldest, then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so
bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as
I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $2,395 in
additional tax
and to make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later
date: "Rats,
they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an
elderly Irishman came
in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg
over the
barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip
of Irish whiskey.
TheIrishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that
Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish
whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched
back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool
and asked for a
glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if
that was Jesus
sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to
give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into
the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!
Hey, is that
God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the
redneck told him to give
Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman
and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed!" The Irishman felt
the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced
a jig out the
door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your
kindness, you are
healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his
hands above
his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped
back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing
disability!"
Seems God was just about done creating the
universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he
stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give
away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy
thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree.
"I was
wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give
that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a
Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd
be so
great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the
animals, I could just
let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who
you give that gift
to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and
on he went like an
excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told
God that if
Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be
the sort of
thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind
if Adam were the
one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of
left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a
young lady seated a
few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.
She was turning
blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.
One Texan said to the other, "That gal is having a bad
time!" The
other agreed and said, "Yep, think we should go
help?" "Yep" said the first,
and with that he ran over and said, "Can you
breathe??" She shook her head
"no". He said, "Can you speak??" She
again shook her head "no". With
that he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So
shocked was
the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and
began to breathe,
with great relief. Returning to his friend, the Texas said,
"Funny how that
hindlick maneuver always works.......".
It's the 1930s and the Empire State Building in New
York just opened.
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the
building. It
looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next
to
another guy and gets a Scotch.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here," the
first guy says.
"Oh really?" the other replies. "It's also a
very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's
an original
Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the
Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there,
fourth from
the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that
window.
If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind
catches
you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible," the first guy
replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies
and walks over
to the window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He
drops 10 ... 20 ... 30 ... 40 ... 50 feet, comes to a stop,
and whoosh!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!" the
first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with
that, he falls
out the window again.
He drops 10 ... 20 ... 30 ... 40 ... 50 feet, comes to a
stop,
and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through
the
window. "Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the hell, I'll give it a try," the
first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10 ... 20 ... 30
... 40
... 50 ... 60 ... 70 ... 80 ... 90 ...100 ... feet and
splat! He
ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other
guy
casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and
orders another
drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says,
"You know,
Superman, you're a fucking asshole when you're drunk."
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my
breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all..
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
******** And now it's time for a rebuttal ****************
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Subject: Time:11:40 AM
OFFICE MEMO more Lewinsky stuff Date:5/7/98
Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in
a limerick Winning Contestants' Entries:
# 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from
Kaczynski.
# 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like
Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your
chinsky.
# 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
# 4
There was a young girl called
Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." *
(* Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused
with the ballet dancer.)
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven. There he
meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat
"you lived a good life and if there is any way I can
make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let
Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says
"Lord,
all my life I have lived with a poor family and had
to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the
cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy
pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is
the Lord there to great them with the same offer.
The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with
brooms. Running, running,running; we're tired of
running. Do you think we could have roller skates so
we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say
no
more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller
skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently
wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you
are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies
"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever
expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been
sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"
Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Why is a hard man good to find?
You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you
found out you
didn't need it anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into
commitment?
A mental hospital
What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping
tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch
How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the
noose.
Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat
the purpose.
2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they
are in
charge of everything outdoors?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
5.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have
monkeys and apes?
7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel
agent?
8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
9. Do married people live longer than single people or does
it just SEEM
longer?
10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are
they all still working?
11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but
dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?
14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid
of?
15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part
shut?
17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in their
hair, gold in their
teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas
in their
stomachs. I have become more social with the passing of the
years; some
might even call me a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five
gentlemen every
day.
As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go see John.
Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here he
takes a lot of my
time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up
and stays the
rest of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place very
long, so he
takes me from joint to joint.) After such a busy day, I'm
really tired
and glad to go to bed - with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that
at my age I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do -
all the time.
No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the
kitchen or down in
the basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here
after?"
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with
stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a
secret
facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded
at 9:22 am
PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide
with talks
between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over
possible
antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its
products by any
and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill
Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would
be few tears shed in
the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath
of nuclear
fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons.
"I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained
University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At
first I thought it
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the
mountain
bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US
Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later,
the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried
sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President.
Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive
engagement"
with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said
the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford
Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft
acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the
deal, said Myrhvold,
"but we've finally found a place to dump those
millions of unsold
copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to
replace
Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I
can neither
confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope
thermoelectric
generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor,"
said Myrhvold,
"but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of
long-hairs on the
Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor
would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel
Corporation, run so
hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw
in electrical
power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should
finally dispell those
stories about cold fusion."
THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but...
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand
in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.
I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted,
he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship
with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I
know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence
and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he
said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you'll be jailed
for contempt!"
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks
back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some
horrible language this week
and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said
the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked
like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that
was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after
going only about
100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a
squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run
away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the
squirrel was running,
an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in
his talons and
began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed
Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the
eagle carried the squirrel
away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it
passed over a bit of
forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient
Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree,
bounced through
some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a
sand trap onto
the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed
the Priest.
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton
on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came
around for
drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda,
and the flight
attendant asked Rev. Falwell if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied
in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore
than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then
handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there
was a choice..."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in
horror as the
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll
around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately
began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist
and
offered to help ease his pain..."Please allow me to
help. I'm a
physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd just
allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be alright... I'll be
fine in a few
minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal
position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she
persisted; and he
finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to
massage him.
"Does that feel better?" she asked.
"It feels great," he replied. "But my
thumb still hurts
like hell!"
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over
the bar
which reads:
---------------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up
to
the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally
attractive
blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile,
"can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are
you the one who gives
the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want
a cheese
sandwich!"
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to
send a message to her
mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300.
She
exclaims: "I don't have any money... but I would do
ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother in Poland!!"
To that the man asks "Anything??" And the blonde
says "Yes...
Anything!!"
With that, the man says "Follow me!!"
He walks into the next room and tells her:
"Come in and close the door"...She does!!...
He then says "Get on your knees"...She does!!...
He then says take down my zipper"...She does!!...
He then says "Go ahead... Take it out!!"
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both
hands!!
The man then says "Well... Go ahead!!"...
She brings her mouth closer to it,
and while holding it close to her lips...
She says "HELLO, MOM"????
Little Johnny's Trip
Mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and
fuckers."
Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the
rest are, but what
is a fucker?"
Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us
milk"
Mom: "but who said they were called, er,
fuckers?"
Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she
called them "effers,"
but we all knew what she meant."
Lost in the Woods
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to
separate to get a
better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost,
fire three shots into
the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find
you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really
lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first
man told him. Hethenwaits
an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out
of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the
help of
forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he
told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the
air every hour on
the hour until I ran out of arrows."
One Year To Live
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad
illness
and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man
explained
his situation,
he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or
early '80 modelDodge
Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to
the ugliestwoman you
can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in
thepanhandle of
Oklahoma. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live
longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make
what time you do have seem like
forever."
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee
and newspaper
when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse
about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit
bull on
a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said
"Sir,
I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never
seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my
wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between
the two
men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy
matrimony are spending
their wedding night at Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in
Parthenon, Arkansas.
They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very
night. Just as
Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the
first time, she stops
him.
"Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should
know......this ain't just
our first time......this here is my first time ever. I'm a
virgin. I been savin'
myself just for you."
"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"
"I said, I'm a virgin. One hundred percent cherry.
Just for you on our
weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??"
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my ass. I'm outta here!"
With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, hard-on and all,
and leaves his
virgin bride lying alone and naked. He slams the door,
jumps in his
pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.
"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here? It's
3am on yore weddin'
night! Why the hell ain't you and that purty new wife of
yours in a
haystack somewhere f*ckin' like rabbits?"
"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up
and tells me that
she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right, Paw. One hundred percent cherry. As
soon as she told
me, I got the hell outta there as fast as I could!"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right
thing......Cuz if she
ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't
good enough for ours!"
1. SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
2. DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
3. DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE
4. SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS
5. SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION
6. DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION
7. DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME
8. A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS.
9. A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES
NOT NEED.
10. A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A
HUSBAND.
11. A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A
WIFE.
12. A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS
WIFE CAN
SPEND.
13. A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
14. TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND
UNDERSTAND
HIM A LOT.
15. TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND
NOT TRY TO
UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL.
16. MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED.
17. WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT.
18. A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE
DOESN'T.
19. A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON'T CHANGE, BUT
SHE DOES.
20. MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED
MEN ARE MORE
WILLING TO DIE.
21. ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE'S NO
USE IN TWO
PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
22. A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT.
23. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A
NEW ARGUMENT.
One day while walking down the street, a highly
successful,
executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived
up heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before
you get settled in
though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never
once had an executive make it this far and we're not really
sure what
to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What
we're going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can
choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to
stay in
Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter
put the executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The
doors opened and
she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful
golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of
her were
all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked
with and they were
all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran
up and kissed
her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an
excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
(kinda
cute)
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was
having such
a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on
the
elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates
and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So she
spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and
singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day
in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well,
I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great
and all,
but think I had a better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she
went
down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw
her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it
in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I
was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and
we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a
wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because
yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
The Soap Story
The following is some correspondence which actually
occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London
hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap
in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.
Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine
chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way
and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change
your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her
concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this
evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine
cabinet. I am going
to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial
so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in
my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove
them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps
which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where
your Dial was. I put
the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I
didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine
cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you
checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M.
that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your
maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please
contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call
extension 1108
between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the
hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.
That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already
off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about
those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have
thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another
3 bars of
hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular
delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24
little bars of
soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to
stop
delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If
I can be of
further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night
and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your
soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in
your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each
time they
service a room. The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please
accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you
realize I have 54
bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the
4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not
know I had returned your
soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know
where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I
was able to
locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1
stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4
hotel size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my
bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the
answers:
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one
is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers
incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public
service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry
if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how
lucky I am to
have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by
Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I
would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a
more detailed answer
is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses
include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course
not!" Among the
incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Moo!
f. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of
course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is
"Buy a
Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared
for at least
an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these
lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
with pictures
of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly
burned that the morgue
needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two
friends,
Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went
in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob
said, "Yeh,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the
mortician rolled
him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No,
dat ain't
Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought
that was kind
of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body,
and
Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt
real bad; roll him
over. "The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe
looked down at
his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba." The
mortician said "How can
you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two
assholes." "What?
He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yeh,
everyone in town knew
he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to
town,
everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two
assholes!'"
The FDA is considering putting new warnings on all
alcoholic beverages.
Here are some examples.
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are
whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like
an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to
SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like
thish. (I'm a chrissian)
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4
in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the
hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and
or name you
can't remember)
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy named
Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are
invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are
laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in
the
time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large
gaps of time may seem to
disappear.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE
pregnancy.
TOP NINE SEX JOKES
# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a
question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am,
if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room
1221."
# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What
can I
get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the
house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the
taste,
nothing will."
# 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual
statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very
interesting
book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American
Indians
have the longest average penis and Polish men have the
biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet
you."
# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The
wife turns
over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers
in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for
several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead
of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a
good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if
there is any
reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a
moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in
and try oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act
and he doesn't
want
the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out
about five
minutes
later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is
dead.
The doctor asks what happened-to which the man replies:
"She choked."
# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals
inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll
then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute,
the man
grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The
gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll
pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the
crowd. After a
while,
a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. "I'll
try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with
the beer
bottle".
# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a
huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks
down upon the
small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings
him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white
guy.
"What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you
say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall,
350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name
is Turner
Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around.'"
# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were
sitting
at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting
here at
this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you
say...should we get naked?"
Where
upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the
table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years
ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the
other
is in your oatmeal!!!!
President's Speech..... as written by Dr. Seuss:
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale.
These were taken from real resumes and cover
letters and were printed in the
July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
1."I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive
experience."
2."I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and
spreasheet progroms."
3."Received a plague for Salesperson of the
Year."
4."Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions."
5."Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6."Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7."It's best for employers that I not work with
people."
8."Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my
experience."
9."You will want me to be Head Honcho in no
time."
10."Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget
details."
11."I was working for my mom until she decided to
move."
12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13."I have an excellent track record, although I am
not a horse."
14."I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please
feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail."
15."I have become completely paranoid, trusting
completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16."My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I
possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17."I procrastinate, especially when the task is
unpleasant."
18."Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen
gallons so far."
19."As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing
investments."
20."Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain store."
21."Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'.I have never
quit a job."
22."Marital status: often. Children: various."
23."Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that
all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
conditions."
24."The company made me a scapegoat, just like my
three previous
employers."
25."Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26."References: none. I've left a path of destruction
behind me."
These quotes were taken from actual preformance
evaluations.
1."Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2."His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."
3."I would not allow this employee to breed."
4."This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a
definitely won't be."
5."Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a
trap."
6."When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is
only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."
7."He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle."
8."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9."He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve
them."
10."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."
11."This employee should go far-and the sooner he
starts, the better."
These are actual lines from military perfromance
appraisals or OERs (officer
efficiency reports).
1.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2.Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
watching.
3.A room temperature IQ.
4.Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
it all ogether.
5.A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
6.A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7.A prime candidate for natural
deselection.
8.Bright as Alaska in December.
9.One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10.Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11.Fell out of the family tree.
12.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.
13.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.
14.He's so dense, light bends around him.
15.If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
17.If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change.
18.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean.
19.It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000,000 other
sperm.
20.One neuron short of a synapse.
21.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled.
22.Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23.Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a
loss for a
response when someone says "You don't know Jack
Schitt," but now you
can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O.
Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of
Kneedeep N.
Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply
religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt,
Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a
high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack
and Noe
Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock,
and because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous name.
She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous
son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers
announced
the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker
and made
millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned
from Italy with his new bride Pisa
Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt," you can
correct them and inform them of your more than deep
knowledge of the
family tree.
Click here: http://www.laughnet.net/archive/toons/safesex.jpg
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a
bar. After a
number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As
they
are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to
undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms
and
says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of
dynamite!" She
begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and
says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those,
baby? That's
1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at
this
point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance,
she
grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks,
"Why are
you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a
short
fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
The boss called one of his employees into the
office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You
started off
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a
sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to
district
manager of the sales department. Just four short months
later,
you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me
to
retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do
you
say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all
you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks,
Dad."
To all you pet owners out there!!
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "£650.
"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the
man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have
charged you
£50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests.
" Restroom Graffiti"
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate
open. --Women's
restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't
die. --Men's
restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library,
Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my
standards.
--Houghton Library, Harvard University.
Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's
"Hi, how are you?" --Rest
stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? --
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and
tired of
putting up with her shit. --Men's Room,
Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's
House of Coffee
and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,
Arizona.
Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! --
Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God --The
Tombs
Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to
have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last
Resort. Dallas,
Texas.
A man called his attorney's office and the
attorney's secretary tell him
that the attorney had died two months earlier.
The next day the man calls again and asked for the
attorney.
The secretary says, "As I told you yesterday, he died
two months ago."
The next day the man calls again and asks for the attorney.
The secretary, this time with some frustration says, "
Why do you keep
calling? I have told you two times now that he died two
months ago. "
The man replies, "Because I just like hearing you say
it.
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with
twins, to the
hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon
regaining
consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class
practical
joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother
replied, "Don't
worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the
hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates
filed and since
both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for
you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has
he done now?"
and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name
them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl
Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty
name! What did you come
up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew"
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of
the bar, next to
another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he
walked in. He talks to him
for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar.
The bar owner
walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He
orders a beer and says, "Man!
That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's
got it rough, but
his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and
says, "Hey, mister! I've
seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week
at any time. Just what
do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make
bets for a living. I'll
show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!"
The bartender looks at him
and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his
glass eye out and clenches it
between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know
you had a glass eye. You
win."
The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back.
I'll bet you $5 I
can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a
moment and replies, "I know
you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your
on!" The guy
then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and
clamps them over his
left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy,
you won again. As you can
see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford
to make any more bets
with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a guaranteed way
to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6
feet away and pee
in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't
miss a drop. I
won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the
bottle." After a few minutes of
thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're
on!" The guy walks 6
feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over
everything. He pees on the
bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close
to hitting the
bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the
bartender starts laughing
and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won
my back my $10!!!" Just
then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The
bartender looks down
at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy
replies, "Oh, he'll be alright.
I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar
and you'd laugh about it."
Three Labrador retrievers -- a brown, yellow and
black -- are sitting
in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up
a
conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are
you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
everything -- the
sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw
was last night,
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to
do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the
brown lab. "All the
vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you
here?"
The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under
fences, dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm
inside, I dig
up
the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug
a great big
hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black
lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected
yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what
he's at the
vet's office for. " I'm a humper," the black lab
says. "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire
hydrants,
whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my
owner had
just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her
toes, and I
just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started
humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say,
"So, Prozac
for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails
clipped."
You know it's time to join E-Mail Anonymous when...
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to
check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and
Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty
feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on
your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or
two,
just for the free internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every
period when using
a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new
messages." So you
check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest
friends
are because they have neutral screen names and you never
bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before
you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it
to
a friend.
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George
Washington's ghost in
the White House. "George, what is the best thing I
could do to help
the country?" Clinton asked.
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I
did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through
the dark
bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"
Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,"
advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another
figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe,
what is the
best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton
asked.
"Go to the theater."
David received a parrot for his birthday. The
parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word
was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the
least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could
think
of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled
back.
He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more
rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot
in the
freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and
scream - then
suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and
quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's
extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended
you with my
rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to
correct my
behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and
was about
to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Men Unite!
After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone
finally
fought back...
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should
be opened
by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something
smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't
shut up
long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at
the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of
course...at
least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you
can tell
them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt
her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is
the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake
What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech, vroom-screech?
A blonde at a flashing red light.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intellegence
Why can't blondes make Kool-Aid?
They can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in those
little pachages
How did the blonde break her arm?
Fell out of the tree while racking leaves
Why do blondes like lightening?
They think someone is taking their picture
A blonde bought an A M radio and it took her 2 weeks to
figure out she
could play it at night.
How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?
It has a stamp on it
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
There's white-out all over the screen
How do you really confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to wait in the corner
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Everyone gets a turn
What do you do when a blonde throughs a pin at you?
Run.......She's got the grenade in her mouth
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's
Bill, Hillary, and Al were all in a boat. The boat
sinks. Who's saved?
The United States of America
In a survey of American women, when asked " Would you
sleep with
Bill Clinton?", 86% replied "not again!"
What's the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
They know how many went down on the Titanic
3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church.
It was a really hot day
and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes
they were
wearing so they took off all their clothes and went on
painting naked.
Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it???????"
The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be
able to see them.
The nuns let him into the room.....The man then looked
around the room,
then looked at them and said,
"Nice tits sisters, where do you want the
blinds?"
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and
down on her
bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the
bedroom and sees
her. He watches her a while and then says, "You look
ridiculous!
What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says,
"I just got my
checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an
eighteen-year-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your
65
year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up..." she replied.
It was the end of the school year. The teacher had
turned in her
grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All
the
kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So
the teacher
thought of an activity.
She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the
questions I ask
may leave early today."
Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I
want to get
out of here."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said,
"Abraham
Lincoln."
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may
go."
Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said,
"Martin Luther
King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may
go."
Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had
answered
first.
Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your
country can
do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John
Kennedy!"
and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may
go."
Now Johnny was furious!
The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I
wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut."
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
What 'cha got there?
An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch
watching the sun
rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something
big under
his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?" Boy yells back
"Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What
you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man
yells "You damn fool,
you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just
laughs and keeps
walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by
and to the
old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken
wire with about
30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and
he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand. Old
man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says
"What you gonna do
with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some
ducks." Old man yells back,
"You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
tape!" Boy just laughs and
keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by
coming home
and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him
the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the
end. Old man
says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says
"It's a pussy willow." Old man
says "Wait up . . . I'll get my hat."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his
wife one friday evening
that reads: "Dear wife," that’s what he
called her, "I am 54 and by the
time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my
beautiful and sexy 18 year-old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting
for him that
read, "Dear Husband," that’s what she called
him, "I too am 54 and by
the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with
my handsome and virile 18 year-old boy toy. You being an
accountant
will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more
times than 54
goes into 18."
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So,
he hired a famous
Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report
any activities
that might develop. A few days later, he received this
report:
Most Honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree--look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No fee.
A couple is golfing one day on a very, very
exclusive golf
course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee
the husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you
drive
the ball. Don't knock out any windows - it'll cost us
a fortune to fix."
The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the
window of the biggest house on the course. The husband
cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the
houses!
Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this
is
going to cost."
They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come
in." When
they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the
couch
says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about
that."
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that
was trapped
for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me.
I'm allowed to
grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll
keep the last one
for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a
million dollars a year
for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what
do you
want?" the genie says, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world,"
she says.
"Consider it done."
"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I
haven't had sex
with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with
your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did
get a lot
of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with
me if it's
OK with you."
So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for
two
hours. Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and
says, "How old is
your husband, anyway?"
"35. Why?"
"And he still believes in genies?"
Message from Boeing
to Osama
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the
stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far
from humanity as
possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone
knocks
on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man
standing
there.
"Name's Lars ... your neighbor from forty miles
away....having a
Xmas party Friday ....thought you might like to come. About
5..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out
here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
you...There's gonna be
some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in busin! ess, I can
drink with
the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.
"More'n'likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be
there. Thanks
again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some
wild sex at
these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam.
"I've been all alone
for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you
want, just
gonna be the two of us".
On the left is Katie Harmon, Miss America, wearing the
swimsuit she
chose for the competition.
On the right is a typical Afghan girl, wearing the heavy smothering
burqua as required by the oppressive Taliban regime.
Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping to
eventually get a Master's degree in Bioethics.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at all, and
cannot read or write.
Miss America has worked as a lab assistant at both the Oregon Health
Sciences University and the University of Puget Sound.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from working.
Miss America's father is an engineer. Her mother is a teacher.
Miss Afghanistan's father was shot by a gang of Taliban militants.
Her mother begs for bread scraps since she cannot work or remarry.
Miss America wowed the judges by singing a Puccini aria, "O Mio
Babbino Caro".
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from singing or even listening to music
of any kind.
Miss America will be traveling the nation nonstop during her reign..
Miss Afghanistan cannot leave her house without a male family member,
cannot drive, and cannot be out after dark.
Miss America is an advocate for breast cancer research.
Miss Afghanistan cannot be treated by a male doctor, and for all
practical purposes has no access to medical treatment of any kind.
Miss America can date, marry, or divorce anyone she chooses.
Miss Afghanistan will be stoned to death if caught in the company of a
male outside of her family. She is likely to be sold into an arranged
marriage to a man who already has two wives.
Miss America wears sunscreen on the beach to keep from burning.
Miss Afghanistan cannot live in a house with windows unless they are
painted black. Since she must wear a burqua outside, her pale
translucent skin has not seen a ray of sunlight in years.
Miss America could have been disqualified if her swimsuit did not meet
pageant standards.
Miss Afghanistan can be flogged if the holes in the mesh covering her
face are too large.
Miss America will decide how many children, if any, she wants to have.
Miss Afghanistan will be pregnant 3-4 times more often than Miss
America. Unfortunately, her babies are 25 times more likely to die
in the first year. One out of four will not see their 5th birthday.
Miss America is majoring in speech communications at PSU.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from speaking in public.
Miss America is 21. Since the U..S. life expectancy for women is 80,
she's still a very young woman.
Miss Afghanistan is also 21. But since the life expectancy for an
Afghan woman is 43, next year she will be "over-the-hill". (Besides
having a shockingly short life expectancy overall, Afghanistan is one
of the only countries in the world in which women have a shorter life
expectancy than men)
Miss America is a beautiful, intelligent woman and everyone knows it.
Miss Afghanistan could be a beautiful, intelligent woman... but nobody
will ever know it.
God Bless Miss America
God Help Miss Afghanistan
Subject: Ever wonder why Muslim terrorists are so
quick to commit
suicide?
Why are radical Muslim terrorists so quick to
commit suicide?
Let's look at their lifestyle:
No premarital sex.
No oral sex. Giving or receiving. Never.
No booze. None.
No TV. No cable TV.
No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
No Hooters. "What is this Hooters of which you
speak ?!?"
No titty bars.
No organized sports of any kind. That's right --
no sports.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Women have to cover up everything!
Very, very, very few cars. Camels. Many camels.
Sand. Fucking sand everywhere!
More sand.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Bar-B-Q's are cooked over burning camel dung
chips.
Eating with your right hand only -- because you
wipe your ass with your left hand.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door ...
no wait, is that music? Shit! I can't tell.
Oh, by the way, when you die it all gets better!
Subject: Re: Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore
not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this
matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands
of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states,"My son, sex is definitely play".
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have
the maid do it."
Test for Smart People
Read the question, then try to answer---then
check your
answer by scrolling down!!
WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW.
GO AND FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX AS YOU CAN'T HANDLE LIFE....
IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2
(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO
COWS DRINK?
ANSWER: "WATER"
IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT
QUESTION.
AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER - TAXED
YOU NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST CHILDREN'S WORLD?
IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3.
(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS,
A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS,
A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS,
A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS....
WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?
ANSWER: "GLASS"
IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING
THESE QUESTIONS!!!!
IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4
(Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT,
OVER THE OLD COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL,
THE PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS
FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE
CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND"
THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL
..... WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN
"NO MANS LAND"? !
ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS"
IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER
FLY
YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE SHOULD THE PLANE CRASH!!!
IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5
Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A
DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR
HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?
ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING
OTHER THAN THE ANSWER.
MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...
BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL
QUESTION?
IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION
Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR**
YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES)
IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF,
9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON.
THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT.....
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?
Health Studies Show
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
Turn up your speaks then open the web site at bottom of this message.
See if you can stare at this website for 60 seconds with your speakers on
without laughing.
http://people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/insane.html
This is a true test of your close attention to detail!
>Click on the link below and take a few minutes to examine the picture.
See if you can find the 1 single thing that is obviously
wrong with this picture.
Be patient. It took me a few minutes to finally get it. Once
you get it, it's so obvious it's pathetic!!
You DO need sound for this, so make sure you turn up the
volume .
http://www.etards.net/whatswrong.swf
A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS.
His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.
He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says,
"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says,
"We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us
a free candle."
The kid says,
"And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi says,
"We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they
send us a free box of matzo balls."
The kid says,
"And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"
The rabbi says,
"We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little
prick like you."
Nice
form.... adult
Ok, I heard the only animatronics joke that I have ever heard last
night so...
Disney is about to install another animatronic into their hall of presidents.
This one of course is of President George W Bush.
They have an updated design for its mechanism.
This new design has more degrees of freedom than the rest of them...
They say that this new animatronic is more articulate than the President
himself...
It is definitely better hearing it than reading it.
Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said,
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket
on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road
and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,
and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey,
a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Skinny people piss me off.
Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I
forget to eat."
Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
In that case, you don't deserve to eat.
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm.
I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
How many of you have continued dating someone because you were too lazy to
commit suicide?
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had
14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.
They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative but I heard from it on Tuesday morning when I genially
proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous
Toning With resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch,
do
it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -
and then marry him.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes
home from work, then I've done my job.
My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news
is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch"
I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding me?
I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's
34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that shit.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?"
Golf
is Good
From Wired News, available online at:
http://www.wired.com/news/print/0,1294,51986,00.html
High Holy Day for Potheads
By Farhad Manjoo
2:00 a.m. April 20, 2002 PDT
April has two days when many Americans, en masse, engage in something
that's plainly illegal but is, they swear, OK to do anyway because everyone does
it and it doesn't hurt a soul and it makes you feel just so very happy.
The first of these days has already passed: April 15, tax day, when
millions of Americans, according to the latest research, fail to pay billions in
taxes. The other day is April 20 -- Saturday -- a day when thousands, if not
millions, will "mow the grass." That's a polite way of saying that
these folks get baked, blitzed, paggered, blazed, obliterated, perved, shmacked
... in other words, they get high, as 4/20 is recognized by many as
"national smokers day."
See also: -
The Old Mac That Went to Pot -
How Safe Are Your Illegal Drugs? -
Healthy Hemp in Hot Peril -
Another Cannabis Drug Sans Buzz -
DOJ's Dot-Narc Rave Strategy -
Everybody's got issues in Politics
-
Discover more Net Culture
The term "420" and its attendant traditions date back to the 1970s,
but at least some evidence exists -- enough to convince any stoner, at least --
that the term has experienced something of a resurgence in our electronic times.
On message boards and community sites across the Web, it's possible to
find people who are "420 friendly," meaning that they'd love to meet
you and smoke your dope.
And for such people, 4/20 is the recognized day to get your smoke on.
And especially at 4:20 a.m. or p.m. on 4/20, and especially while listening to
Phish. This year, dozens of celebrations are planned across the globe.
In San Francisco, the National Organization for the Reform of
Marijuana Laws, NORML, will finish up its two-day conference "celebrating
personal freedom."
"Once again we have scheduled the conference to coincide with '4/20,'
that date that has become associated in the popular culture as a special day for
marijuana smokers -- sort of what 'It's Miller time' has become to beer
drinkers," the group said on its site. "We hope to build on that
tradition and encourage supporters from across the country to join us in San
Francisco as a way to celebrate 4/20."
The event comes after a week of attention focused on NORML, which
spent half a million dollars to run ads (PDF) in New York City asking Mayor
Michael Bloomberg to fine and ticket -- rather than arrest -- people caught
smoking marijuana in the street. The ads feature Bloomberg's response to a New
York magazine reporter's query about whether he'd ever used marijuana. The mayor
said, "You bet I did. And I enjoyed it."
Given the nature of the celebration, of course, not all of the
scheduled events are so political. Most, it seems, are music festivals that
might have been going on anyway, but which promise to have some added pep in
honor of the day.
The Web is rife with speculation regarding the origin of the term
"420." An old yarn has it that 420 was a California police code cops
used when they'd spotted someone getting high, and that drug users co-opted the
word. Some think it has to do with Hitler's birthday, April 20th -- which is,
not entirely coincidentally, also the day in 1999 that Dylan Klebold and Eric
Harris killed 13 people, and themselves, at Columbine High School in Littleton,
Colorado.
But the consensus opinion has come to rest on a theory put forth by
Steven Hager, the editor of High Times, in the magazine in 1998. Hager told the
story of the Waldos, a group of San Rafael High School kids who gave Hager
evidence -- letters, and so on -- to show they had created the term 420.
This is how the term began, according to Hager's article: "One day,
while (the Waldos) were sitting on the wall, a friend gave them a treasure map
to a pot patch on nearby Point Reyes Peninsula. 'His brother grew the patch,'
said Steve (one of the Waldos).
"The Waldos decided to meet after school and pick the patch. Since
school got out at 3:10, and since some of the Waldos had after-school activities
that lasted approximately one hour, someone decided they should meet at exactly
4:20 p.m., at the statue of Louis Pasteur, which was located near the entrance
to the school parking lot."
After that, the Waldos -- who have their own site at Waldo420.com --
naturally began using 420 as shorthand for cannabis. The Waldos were big fans of
the Grateful Dead, and, as Hager explains in his article, "the 420
expression leaked into the Deadhead community and spread from there."
In an e-mail message, Hager said that the Internet further aided the
spread of the term, as "Deadheads were the first big group of Internet
users."
Asked what he would be doing to celebrate this year's 4/20, Hager
wrote that he will be "in Magic Meadow, near the top of Overlook Mountain,
which is just above Woodstock, New York."
And what will people do after 4/20, when pot day is over? They'll
smoke more, according to one post on the Bay Area Community site, Craigslist.
"A bunch of 420 worshipers who didn't get enough on 4/20 are meeting
at Raleigh's in Berkeley on Telegraph (Avenue at) 5:30 on Sunday," it said.
"Come burn in summer with us."
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went,
husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -the latest Star Wars
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. - - - "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story:
Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after
work one night, when the bar door opened and the most
gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.
He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair
and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement
was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.
The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's
rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her.
Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring,
but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.
"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice.
"Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you
have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars.
There's just one condition..."
Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition.
The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."
The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the
proposition, then reached into her handbag and
took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address
on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed
it into his waiting hand.
She leaned over and whispered into his ear...
"Clean... my... house."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of
whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when
the
horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the
horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid
of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and
he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
Good pics
I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec city, when I
decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied,
so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice
from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I
answered, a little embarrassed:
"Not bad."
And the stranger said:
"And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this
was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I am driving east?"
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say:
"Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next
stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
One Liners
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Dennis
Miller's rant on the Middle East crisis:
"A
brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a
service
to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the
story
of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you
really
need.
Don't
thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:
The
Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about
that:
There
are no Palestinians. It's a made up word.
Israel
was called Palestine for two thousand years.
Like
"Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a
modern
invention.
Before
the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and
there
were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by
Jordan,
and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews
took
over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do
you
know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep
bond
with their lost "land" and "nation."
So
for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any
more
to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our
deaths
until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's
call
them what they are: "Other Arabs Who Rather Than Accomplish
Anything
In Life Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive
Melodrama
Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I know that's a bit
unwieldy
to expect to see on CNN.
How
about this, then: "Adjacent
Jew-Haters."
Okay,
so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just
one
more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country
any
time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp
David.
But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic
lights
and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you
actually
have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun.
No,
they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want:
Israel.
They
also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the
real
fun is -- but mostly they want Israel. Why?
For
one thing, trying to destroy Israel
-- or "The Zionist Entity"
as
their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years has allowed
the
rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own
people
away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most
illiterate,
poorest, and tribally backward on G-d's Earth, and if
you've
ever been around G-d's Earth, you know that's really saying
something.
It
makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic
about
the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast.
Unless
I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the
world
since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that
one.
Chew
this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five
million
Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field,
and
Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now
these
same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of
matches,
everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey,
but
what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and
the
constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea?
Oh,
that? We were just kidding.
My
friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just
reverse
the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five
million
Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it.
Can
anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and
dynamite
to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber and
force
at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state
into
the sea?
Nonsense.
Or
dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible.
Or
spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their
bread
with the blood of children? Disgusting.
No,
as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst
Jews
would ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr.
Bush, G-d bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that
with
vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our
interest,
as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much
as
possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than
stabilizing
a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs
taken
away.
However,
in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of
losing
moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our
president
told us and the world he was going to root out all
terrorists
and the countries that supported them. Beautiful.
Then
the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent
of
an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the
same
thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
If
America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we
would
all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be
done
with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east
of
the Jordan.
Good
Idea
Somebody
needs to get some bad
OWWWWWWW
The
Alternative Italian Dictionary
Subject: RE: Wisdom of Children
Some of these are really great!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming.
--Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem
to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something
to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date.
--Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call
all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me
in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't
want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then
you should marry them and have kids with them. It's
the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one
thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she
looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
Got Wind
Subject: tee hee
Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread on the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these
pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine,
then put all these frosted flakes back into the box.
Subject: FW: True Lawyer Story
For all you lawyers (and those who know one).
Think lawyers are smart
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal Fashion.
The lawyer sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss
of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest
Lunch?
Subject: Fwd: Hebonics
NEW YORK, February 1 - The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English
- now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language.
Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the
state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant
attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics
professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the
sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European
language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question
-
- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, 'How are you?' may be answered,
'How should I be, with my feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for
expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word
with "sh" or shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away.
You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end,
with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the
sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as 'He's slow as a turtle,' could be:
"Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic answer:
"What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "All right already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I
gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
To guest of honor at his birthday party: English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day." English response: "Sure is." Hebonic response:
"So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a long time
since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
Skeletons
How to settle spousal arguments
Conjugal Visits
This explains airport pages
Kinda cool
Scooooooooore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ask to see the steak before its cooked
Did
your co-worker really want a response to that question?
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